What Every Man Needs To Know About Women

Here's your chance to tap into a woman's mind and learn a few valuable things that could save your marriage. I know a thing or two about women since I am one. Like, an actual biological female. Every man needs to hear this. It’s that important.

Let's start with the obvious. If you're on our email list, it's probably because you've screwed up big time and you are looking for a way to repair the damage you've done to your family and marriage, most likely as a result of sexual sin. Before you put up your defenses - I'm not here to beat you over the head for that. You already know you've behaved like a buffoon. I don't have to drive that point home. I'm here to help, sincerely. Hopefully, I will encourage you to use these tools to stop the bleeding and save the marriage before it bleeds out entirely. Because if you aren't doing these two things, nothing will change.

What do I know about struggling marriage, addiction, and recovery? Glad you asked.

I survived an eighteen-year marriage riddled with infidelity and addiction. The marriage ended in divorce a few years ago, but it didn't have to. See, I was a woman who had to fight her way out of the sinkhole of betrayal trauma. I was looking for one thing - the same thing that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN will agree on - a fight. Not an argument and, heaven forbid, a physical fight. I'm talking about a man who will fight for marriage. A man who will get up, show up, man up, and put up a fight to help his wife heal and save his marriage. That means doing the hard work to right the wrongs, repair the damage, and do the work to transform their life so she feels safe staying in the marriage. Not a man who will make excuses, cut corners, take the easy way out, and expect that everything will "go back to normal." I get why Jesus said lukewarm people make him want to hurl. Me too.

Related Article: Husbands, Here’s How To Love Your Wife Well

Gents, here's a little secret. Yes, your wife is angry, hurt, confused, and broken by what you did. One moment, she may feel weak, vulnerable, an emotional wreck, and is looking for your comfort. The next moment, she may be ready to take your face off. It's normal. Those feelings will take time to heal, but one thing remains (for most women): we still want the Knight in shining armor to come riding in. No, you don't need to look like a youthful Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Denzel Washington, or whoever makes your wife weak in the knees. It has zero to do with appearance and stature and everything to do with character and will. Whether you're 5'2" or 6'2", bulging muscles or bulging gut - when it comes to fighting for us - we don't care. We want our man to fight for us and the marriage.

I've spoken to a lot of women who have gone through the same crappy situation I did and had their life turned upside down and inside out by betrayal. Betrayal trauma causes PTSD and a slew of really horrendous physical, emotional, and even spiritual torment. If you don't recognize that, you must start by learning its impact on her. Your infidelity (porn, affairs, sexting, virtual stuff, whatever your flavor of sexual betrayal was) rocked your wife's world - to the core. She will never be the same, ever. She can't.

But, as I was saying, not all, but the majority of these women who've endured the discovery of their husband's infidelity, despite being utterly devastated and broken, are still willing to find a way to forgive and work towards restoration. Many women will consider reconciliation based on the two things I will share with you that prove you are ready to fight for her. Do you know how crazy blessed you are if you have a wife who is willing to do that?

Related Article: Why Marriage Is To Die For & How To Improve Your Sex Life

Let's be honest. You don't deserve it. And she has every right to walk away. But she chooses to stay. Yeah, maybe she's angry, hurt, stand-offish, cold, her emotions are all over the place - so what - get over it - her world has crumbled. Her feelings are valid and real. If she hasn't filed the divorce papers and thrown your sorry butt out, there's hope. Maybe she's thrown you out. There may still be hope if you focus on these two things.
I can't promise that if you do it, your marriage will be restored, and your relationship will be more than you could ever imagine. But, I can assure you of one thing - if you don't, there's no chance. She may endure for a while, but you risk that as she pursues her healing, her eyes will open that you aren't doing these two things. The truth is what you need. This is a good spot to remind you that I want you to win! I want you to win the battle for your sexual integrity, restore your marriage, and experience the awesomeness of what God created marriage to be.

When the husband doesn't fight for the marriage, wives plan their exit strategy. Trust me on that one. Fight for her, guys. Your sword has been pointing at her and wounding her. Even though she's in pain, you can turn that sword around, point it at the enemy, and fight for her. That's what she wants. It's that simple - but I'm not gonna lie - the work is hard.

Related Article: Is Restoration Possible After Porn Addiction?

Maybe she's saying everything opposite of what I'm telling you. Perhaps she's telling you there's nothing you can do. It's over. You've destroyed everything. There's no chance you can recover. You may never hear her say, "Fight for me." Do you know why? Because we want you just to do it and not be told. We think, "If he loves me, he will want to fight for me. I shouldn't have to tell him." It means nothing if we have to tell you.

Regardless of what she's saying or even how she's acting towards you if you genuinely want to save your marriage, get in the fight and keep at it no matter how long it takes. Don't throw in the towel, and don't be lazy. Every day, show up and be intentional about her healing and your freedom. There's a lot of work ahead, but it's worth it.

Now, let's talk about the two things that prove you are fighting for her.

1. Understand Her Pain and Help Her Heal

Men tend to be less empathetic. Throw in sexual addiction, like porn; your ability to empathize drops oodles of points on the compassion scale. That's factual. Learn the science behind it by joining a Conquer Group and go through the Conquer Series and Warpath. Go through it more than once - believe me - I still watch it and pick up on things I didn’t pick up on the first five times. Here's the good news: you can learn to be less Neanderthal-ish and more empathetic. We have resources, even fun challenges, to help you build empathy.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Philippians 2:3

I have the gift of sarcasm. It's been a great trauma-coping mechanism. It's my love language. I can find humor in the most non-humourous situations, like my own trauma. It's a talent. But, all joking aside, betrayal trauma is intense. Your wife is hurting - deeply. This stuff messes you up - big time. She didn't ask for it. You put it on her, and she's not too happy about it because there are days when it feels like it will take her down for good. You can't say sorry, sweep it under the rug, and expect her to put on a happy face. That's selfish and inconsiderate. A lot of men will move forward with their recovery and healing, join Conquer groups, do all the homework, and get so engrossed in their recovery that they can't understand why their wives still seem so unhappy. Because you left her behind! That's why! She needs significant healing, and more than likely, she has no idea what to do. You must make her healing a priority. You need to get the tools to help move you from being her Judas to her hero.

For me, early on, the intrusive thoughts of what my ex-husband did made me feel like my head was going to explode. Random moments of the day, in the middle of the night, playing with my kids, grocery shopping, whenever and wherever, the most horrific, disgusting thoughts would pop into my head of him doing what he did - things that I didn't want to think about. Guys, it's horrible - absolutely horrible. It's happening to her, too, and she can't just get it to stop. It's like telling someone with anxiety just to relax. It doesn't work that way. She wishes it did. She needs tools, too, to help her heal.

Related Article: 8 Ways To Conquer Resentment After Betrayal

Intrusive thoughts are just one of many wickedly painful things that are happening to her. Whether she's in the early stages of discovering your sexual sins or years down the road, if she's not had the proper tools to heal and you've not helped her in the process, she's still dealing with the residual effects of your sin. You MUST learn to be empathetic towards her pain; you can't be empathetic if you don't understand what's happened to her. It will require a great deal of humility and patience on your part. You have to learn how to be empathetic because it doesn't come naturally for most men. We've got tools for you, lots.

Here's a simple tool you can use now.

Ready. It's simple.

Just be quiet when she's ranting about what you've done.

Keep your pie hole shut.

Don't argue back.

Don't justify your behaviors. Don't tell her she's overreacting or try to calm her down and make her feel like she's lost her mind. Maybe she is overreacting. It's possible. Big deal. If she's following her plan for healing and doing the work, those emotions will start to level out. A highly intense emotional response years into recovery is not the way it's supposed to be. But for now, let her vent in these acute stages of pain and grief.
Here's what you can say after she's vented:

"I know it must be difficult to share what you're feeling. As hard it is to hear the pain I've caused you, I'm
glad you're telling me."

"Sorry isn't enough. But I'm deeply sorry for what I've done to you, and I'm going to do whatever I can
to help you heal."

"You have every right to feel the way you do."

"What can I do? What do you need from me right now?" (And then, if it is within reason, DO IT!)

"I can't imagine the pain you're feeling. This isn't fair to you. May I pray with you?"

Venting should look much different the further you are in recovery and healing. Here's a picture of what it could look like in the future.

Let's say you're two years down the road in recovery. No relapse. You and your wife are steady and consistent in doing the work to restore the marriage, but out of nowhere comes a hiccup. She's gritty with you. This is out of the norm, and you recognize it. Instead of telling her she's moody and ridiculous, you press in to understand what's causing her to be cold with you. She's learned enough in her healing journey to admit she was triggered by something you did. You weren't trying to trigger her, but it happened. Instead of going off on you and reminding you of how two years ago you destroyed her life with your sexual sin, she explains that you've inadvertently done something to trigger past emotions.

Related Article: These Are Powerful Tools To Prevent Relapse

You are far enough in recovery to recognize this may be a lifelong journey through these bumps, but you're committed, and you've become stellar at being empathetic. So, you validate her feelings, reassure her of your commitment, and devise a boundary to prevent that trigger from happening again. Then, she sees you as that hero you were created to be because you’ve made her feel safe and loved. From there, it may get a little saucy because it’s hard to resist a man who loves his bride like that.

That's what recovery, healing, and growth can look like. Keep that mental image as something to work towards. You won't ever get there until you understand and empathize with her pain.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

2. Pursue Your Own Healing

THIS. IS. A. MUST. There is no way around it. You need to be plugged into community with other men and do the work to restore sexual integrity. There's never an excuse, but there is a root to your sexual sin. It started somewhere, likely from unhealed childhood wounds. That's often, but not always the case. This journey to freedom will take hard, intentional, and consistent work. You're looking at years. Sanctification doesn't happen overnight - it's a process. But it's possible for everyone, no matter how deep you are in the muck of your sin.

To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24

Related Article: How Viewing Porn Is Wounding Your Wife & Hurting Your Family

Jeremy and Tiana Wiles created the Conquer Series because they needed help for the same junk that was plaguing their marriage - pornography. It took great sacrifice and work to create a resource that would help men heal from sexual sin. Since its launch, millions of men worldwide have experienced freedom through the tools in the Conquer Series. It works. But it only works if you do the work. There are thousands of Conquer Groups you can get plugged into. If you don't have one in your church, we can connect you with a virtual group anywhere. There's no excuse. You need accountability - it's not an option.

"Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

We've learned how to spot whether or not a marriage will survive infidelity quickly. Most of the time, we're spot
on. Here's the dead giveaway. If a man isn't pursuing his healing, doing the work, and staying connected to other men to hold him accountable, it's only a matter of time before he slides right back into his old behaviors. If the marriage does survive, it won't thrive.

But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life." Romans 6:22

To save your marriage, you must relentlessly pursue your healing. Trust me, she's waiting to see what you will do. You have no business keeping her stuck if you have no intention of pursuing healing and freedom. It's cruel and selfish.

Share the plan with her. Let her see the steps you're taking to find freedom from sexual sin. We don't recommend that your wife become your accountability partner; that's unhealthy for her. But she must know your recovery plan and that you have accountability.

Your wife will know when you're really serious or just checking off the boxes. It's obvious when a man is serious about his freedom, healing, and restoration. He is in relentless pursuit of Jesus and his wife's heart. Every day, you should look more like Jesus as you move forward.

Related Article: What Does Proactive Accountability Look Like?

That's the secret, sir. You will fight for her if there is any hope for your marriage. Fighting for her means:

Helping her heal.
Relentlessly pursuing your freedom and healing.

Inside those two main points are a lot of layers of work that you will need to make a daily practice. We've created so many resources to help you along this journey. There's no reason or excuse to feel lost or alone in this pursuit for your freedom and her healing. Don't leave her behind as you move forward. Neglecting her recovery is the ultimate demise of your marriage.

Conquer Can

The Conquer Can is a new product we've just released. We crammed the most manly box we could find (a military ammo can) with resources to help you find freedom and prevent relapse.

We also included resources that will teach you how to help your wife heal. One of the tools is called "The Hero's Guide to Her Healing." She desperately needs you to have this tool in your hands. Just the sight of you holding this book will give her hope. Putting this tool into practice will help transform her life and yours.

Get. This. Can!

Your wife can forgive and heal from this betrayal. You can be set free and maintain sexual purity for the rest of your life. Jesus has made a way for all of us - nothing is impossible with Him. Everything changed for me when I chose to forgive and move forward. It kept me from getting stuck in the muck of betrayal and finding healing amid a terrible situation. It is possible. This is the most precious gift you can give your wife - your healing and hers.

When you humble yourself, do the work, and stay committed to the process, the most incredible miracles can happen in your relationship. You can't make excuses, be lazy, and expect things to change on their own. It doesn't happen that way.

Fight for your marriage.

Fight for her.

Fight for your freedom and healing.

Pursue your relationship with Christ.

The most attractive feature in a man is his heart for God. Love her like Jesus, and you'll be the Knight in shining armor she needs, wants, and has always dreamed of.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25