Marriage Recovery: Husbands Helping Wives Heal From Betrayal
Copy Link
(Modified: )
Pornography and infidelity can undoubtedly wreck a marriage. When this happens, one person alone cannot do all of the work. It will require both the husband and the wife making a commitment to the healing process.
I have walked through this in my own life. I discovered that my healing journey looked completely different than that of my husband.
It can become easy to stay focused solely on our own progress. But it is essential to also stay attentive to the needs of your spouse. Be empathetic and understand that their needs may be drastically different than yours during this time.
Related Article: How Wives Are Helping Their Husbands Quit Porn
Men’s Healing vs. Women’s Healing
Men, as they are finding freedom from sexual bondage, usually expect that things will return to normal within their marriage. Women, on the other hand, recognize that their relationship with their husband was not functioning properly.
They desire a newness that they cannot quite explain. When neither party is experiencing a breakthrough of the things that they expect, it can cause a lot of frustration.
Related Article: Marriage Life After Porn Addiction
Eddie Capparucci is a sexual and pornography addiction therapist at Abundant Life Counseling in Marietta, GA. He wrote the following article which sheds a lot of light on how husbands can begin to help their wives heal from the betrayal that was experienced.
With Eddie Capparucci’s permission, we are sharing it with you:
What About Me
"He is not doing enough!” exclaimed Susan speaking about her husband Artie who betrayed her with his numerous affairs and porn use.
Her statement left me a little puzzled since I thought Artie had been doing well in his recovery. And from what I could see, Artie certainly had been doing everything that was asked of him. So, I asked Susan, “What do you need that he is not doing?”
“I don’t know,” she answered. “But he is not doing enough.”
Then it hit me. “Are you saying he is not doing enough in his recovery or he is not doing enough to help your recovery,” I asked her.
“It’s always about him,” she said as tears formed in her eyes. “What about me? When does he start to focus on how much I am hurting?”
Related Article: To The Heartbroken Wife…
Susan felt Artie was rushing her recovery and wanted her to “get over it” so they could return to their normal life. What Artie did not understand is that they could not return to their former relationship. In Susan’s eyes that relationship didn’t work. And she was right. There was no going back. The only road to travel – if they were to remain together – was forward.
But Susan’s words left me on a quest to determine if other women dealing with betrayal were experiencing similar feelings. And I soon discovered the answer was yes. Over a period of four months I asked numerous women if their husbands were doing enough to help them heal and all of them said no.
Related Article: Husbands, Here’s How To Love Your Wife Well
A woman who has been betrayed wants to know her husband understands the depth of her suffering. More importantly she wants to believe he will be supportive as she heals and not try to rush her through the process.
A man must realize not only is his wife’s trust destroyed but her self-worth has taken a beating. She believes you desire something more than she can offer. She wonders what is wrong with her that you sought stimulation elsewhere.
Related Article: A Woman’s Journey Through Love, Addiction, And Betrayal
So the question you must answer is ‘do you truly want to help her heal’ or do you want to continue to wish her pain away? Because if you want to brush this under the carpet you are in for a long and painful relationship. But if you sincerely want what’s best for her and desire to help her recover from the emotional pain I have a solution for you.
Walk into the fire.
Into The Fire
What does that mean, you ask?
Walking into the fire is when you proactively approach your wife during a time when things seem calm and ask a question similar to this: “I am checking on you and was wondering if you would like to share something that may have troubled you today about the pain I caused you.”
Ouch!
Now you’re thinking to yourself that sounds dangerous. And you’re right. Going to her and asking her to share her pain with you will most likely leave a significant burn. But it’s the long-term payoff that you’re seeking.
Related Article: The Benefits Of Full Disclosure & How It Can Help Heal Your Marriage
“I took your advice,” said Fred during one of our counseling sessions, “she seemed to be having a good day so I took a chance and asked her what negatives thoughts she was experiencing.”
“It started out OK but turned into an inferno pretty quickly,” he continued, “It made me very nervous and I was concerned she would not calm down. However, a couple hours later she came to me saying thank you for being considerate enough to care about what she was feeling. It worked.”
Fred’s wife was appreciative because he demonstrated he was willing to stay with her as she struggled through her pain. This told her he wasn’t trying to pull her along in her recovery and was going to allow her the time she needed to grieve and heal.
Related Article: The Fallout Of Porn: How The Church Can Help Hurting Wives
It is important to understand when a woman is grieving the betrayal she suffered she is healing. Men need to be patient, understanding, calm and stay present during grieving periods. The guys who learn to do this well are the ones who see their wives recover faster and their marriages restored.
Be smart, start walking into the fire.
Out Of The Fire
Husbands who continue their journey by using Warpath, a long-term course for men focusing on healing from sexual sin, will learn the importance of disclosure.
Learn how to live permanently free from porn
Those who then commit to help their wives, will see a great reward. Many will not only experience healing but may also enjoy a brand-new relationship with their beautiful bride. Remain mindful that healing can take several years, so do not quickly become discouraged.
Related Article: Bringing Intimacy Back To The Bedroom
As Lyndon B. Johnson once stated,
“Peace is a journey of a thousand miles and it must be taken one step at a time.”
KingdomWorks Studios is currently working on a film series to help wives through their healing process. Sign up to receive updates regarding this exciting new project!