Bringing Intimacy Back To The Bedroom
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Somehow, your wife finds out about your porn usage. Whether you told her or she discovered it on her own, it is now out in the open, and the effects are about to begin.
It doesn’t matter how long you have been married. The vows you spoke to her on your wedding day have been broken. She has found out that the man she thought she knew so well and trusted has been lying to her and living a double life.
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Bob Heywood of Harvest USA puts it bluntly. “You’ve been found out. You’ve messed up and you’ve messed up big time. You have violated the boundary lines of sexual activity that God has put in place, and you have crushed your wife. The real issue right now for you is this: Will you honestly look at the damage you have done to your wife, and to your marriage? Will you name it and own it?”
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So where do you go from here? Can the intimacy you shared ever be restored? Is there any hope your marriage can recover from such a crushing blow? What about sex?
Dr. Peter Kleponis, a Licensed Clinical Therapist, noted, “Let’s be clear: sex is not intimacy. Intimacy is the deep emotional connection between two people. They know each other thoroughly and know they are unconditionally loved by each other. They can talk about anything and feel safe. Sex is but one expression of intimacy found in a marriage.”
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Steps to Rebuilding Intimacy In Your Marriage
- Take complete ownership of the damage you’ve caused. No excuses.
- Rebuild your friendship. Take your wife on dates. Take walks together. Sit down and talk about your day. Begin courting her again with all the love and respect you had when you started dating.
- Be completely open with where you use your computer, tablet, and other electronic devices. Also, install porn blockers and filters and accountability software like Covenant Eyes.
- Talk about how to rebuild sex. Sheila Wray Gregoire explained, “Here’s the challenge with starting sex again: you can’t resume where you left off. You have to do something totally new, because your sex life in the past, if it was based on porn, was corrupted.”
- Improve communications. Talk openly about everything – big or small. No more secrets or isolation.
- Stop telling lies. Even small ones. You must be honest to restore her trust in you.
- Finally, join a Conquer Group – a group of godly men who meet weekly for accountability and training.
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Focus On Your Wife
Dr. Doug Weiss is a psychologist and author of the book Clean. He also appears in a powerful series for men called the Conquer Series. In the 10-week Conquer Series course, Dr. Weiss explains why men struggle with pornography. “The way God designed you is whatever you’re beholding at the point of sexual release, you’re literally glued to, attached to, hunger for, and will crave again.”
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Dr. Weiss continues, “Now what God designed is for you to have sex only with your wife and you would only connect to her and you would never struggle with sexual lust. Now Americans and cultures, in general, don’t follow God’s word, so we’re doing pornography at 13, 14 years old and we’re gluing to an image. And like Spiderman, we’re attaching it and we are pulling it in, and that becomes our desire, that becomes our thing.”
“So now we have a neural pathway connected to sexual images that look like women walking around. That’s why a guy can be reading his Bible and checking out the waitress at the same time, because neurologically he’s kind of hit by that thing.”
Great Sex
“Having great sex the way God designed it is a real key. Let me give you those principles and why they work,“ explains Weiss.
- When you’re having sex with your wife, have your eyes open, look at her.
- Have some kind of light on so you can see her.
- Talk during sex, so that your mind and your spirit are active.
You’re going to have the best sex of your life. Mind-blowing sex. Because your spirit, soul, and body are present.
Dr. Weiss summarizes, “Sex was designed to be a three-dimensional act and if you embrace full sexuality and you’re literally glued to your precious wife, and you’re not doing porn and you’re not doing other things, you will over time, decrease the neuropathway to pornography and sexually inappropriate thoughts and beliefs, and glue to healthy sexuality to your wife, so that when your brain thinks sex, it thinks, “where’s my wife?” And that is a great way to fight this battle.”
Hope for Your Marriage
You can restore intimacy and rebuild your marriage. Bob Heywood said, “There is hope! And it can only start when we get real with what our behavior has done – how it has deeply hurt – our spouse and honestly face up to the damage we have inflicted. It can’t start any other place. Start naming the damage – to God and to her.”
He added, “This time, you are going to have to deeply rely on God to fix this. You can’t fix this on your own. At this point, your promises, your new intentions, your new behavior are going to have to be seen to be believed. Over time. Over a lot of time.”
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The Conquer Series Helps You Build Intimacy
The Conquer Series is an award-winning resource that is helping millions of men in over 100 countries worldwide defeat their porn usage and live a porn-free life.
Pastor Daniel Wallis of South Toowoomba Baptist Church in Australia had 12 men complete the Conquer Series and saw their lives transformed.
“A number of them have tried many ways to overcome their addiction by abstaining, and failed,” said Pastor Wallis. “Through the knowledge they have learned by doing the Conquer Series, they say they have a much better chance of being successful this time.”
The Series contains action footage, powerful testimonies, and solid Biblical teaching. To get the most out of the course, use the interactive study guide, online journal, and daily devotional to keep you focused daily on the lessons and to help you avoid relapse.
Start streaming the Conquer Series today to begin to restore your life and your marriage.