Rescued: One Man’s Journey From Shame To Grace
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Beads of sweat began to gather on his brow, soon they splashed onto the keyboard in front of him. Many times he had sat there, tormented by his pain which almost always leads to the shame.
This temptation was an all too real trigger. An escape was literally a click away, but subconsciously he knew that when the adrenaline rush wore off, reality would hit with a vengeance. His life had been a lie, or so it seemed. He had spent decades trying to outrun the pain – the pain from his parent’s divorce, the abuse he endured, the trauma he witnessed, and the reminders of critical words spoken into his life.
Related Article: A Decade of Regrets: Pain, Porn, and Personal Choices
Believing he had tried everything, he had relegated himself as merely being a lost cause. But when a friend shared a testimony of finding freedom through a video series, he decided to give it one more try. It hadn’t been easy, but he was learning a lot. But today just seemed to be more than he could handle, and he felt himself slipping out of control. Suddenly he felt something, Someone, so powerful knocking on the door of his heart.
Overwhelmed with uncertainty at first, he quickly came to the realization that God was coming to his rescue. The renewing of the mind that he was learning about was working. Grace wanted to speak into the depth of his shame. As he surrendered to the power and presence of the Lord, his body relaxed, and he found the courage to walk away from the computer. At that moment, he experienced his first victory – today, porn did not win.
Falling Prey To Shame & Sin
While this is not a first-hand story, we see different variations of this narrative frequently and those that are honest in their struggle can relate in one way or another.
Even the Apostle Paul recognized the challenge in his inability to control sin;
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” – Romans 7:15
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If you’ve struggled with porn, it’s likely that you faced the torment between falling back into sin or seeking freedom. This was the case for Scott.
The Power Of A Story
Scott is a 57-year-old combat veteran, husband, and father. After his parents divorced when he was 11 years-old, pornography quickly became a huge part of his life. At the age of 19, after being sexually assaulted, Scott fell even deeper into Satan’s trap. It was then that he decided to prove himself as a typical drunken sailor.
Isolating in guilt and shame, this journey continued for decades. But thanks be to God, Scott has been redeemed, restored, and renewed through the use of the Conquer Series, a cinematic teaching created to help men break free from the bondage of sexual addiction. Today, he has been sober from porn and masturbation for three years.
Related Article: How The Loneliness Epidemic Is Linked To Porn
Scott, along with his wife Kristi, is taking what the enemy meant for evil and is turning it to good. They regularly host Conquer Groups for men, and Kristi works directly with the betrayed wives to help them find hope in the middle of life’s darkest storm.
With his permission, we are sharing his powerful testimony with you.
Every day, there is a battle raging for a connection between God and self. But the devil is bent on stealing, killing, and destroying it. For me, I have discovered that victory isn’t in willpower alone. Instead,** it’s in connection with God and other people.**
Related Article: Why Man Cannot Quit Porn Alone
Within this revelation is a struggle between keeping my shame at a distance and letting people in. I thought I could keep secrets, but my secrets really only kept me. They kept me away from God and others. But most importantly, they kept me from healing.
The High Price Of Shame
Breaking the silence felt impossible, and that’s where the enemy wanted me. Satan wanted me to feel helpless, hopeless, lost and afraid – struggling to find freedom in silence wasn’t working.
Related Article: Full Disclosure – How Victory Over Shame Comes Through Honesty
I didn’t know what to do and felt trapped. When was enough going to be enough? When would desperation reach the end of its rope? The thought kept circling through my mind, “Do I really need to get caught for my secret to be told?”
Avoiding my past trauma and pain was just asking for trouble. Shame, sin, and pain take up a lot of room in our hearts and minds. They require copious amounts of emotional energy to keep them in check. Appeasing trauma is exhausting and leaves room for little more than tolerance of self and others. Keeping shame and pain at a distance is never productive. It’s actually very destructive.
Purpose In Pain
In the second half of the Conquer Series, I learned that pain has a purpose. It’s to draw us closer, not drive us further away from connection. I also learned that trauma has a voice. When it’s rejected, stand by. Humiliation is just around the corner. When you least expect it, when it’s not convenient, invited, or desired, there it will be, staring at me. It demands a voice, and screams, “See me, acknowledge me – right here and right now. Help me! Heal me!”
Identifying the ten worst moments in my life opened the door for healing to begin. God responded because He loves me.
Curt Thompson, author and psychiatrist, shares, “Shame’s healing encompasses the counterintuitive act of turning toward what we are most terrified of. We fear the shame that we will feel when we speak of that very shame. In some circumstances, we anticipate this vulnerable exposure to be so great that it will be almost life-threatening. But it is in the movement toward another, toward connection with someone who is safe, that we come to know life and freedom from this prison.”
So here I am, searching out sorrow, breaking the silence, exposing the shame, and telling my story. I’m giving sadness a voice and acknowledging its significance in my life. And I’m not alone anymore. I’m connected and you can get connected too.
Related Article: From Porn Star To Pastor: How God Rewrote Joshua Broome’s Story
From Shame To Grace
We often suffer in shame and silence alone. But humility overcomes humiliation when we seek out help, hope, and healing. Grace comes to our rescue when we speak into the depth of our shame. Heaven overpowers hell every time and without blame. Regret finds new meaning when we speak the truth. Beauty takes root in the fertile soil of sorrow. And what we once thought was tragedy becomes a triumph.
As Curt Thompson says, “It is helpful to know how shame works—its mechanics—can be helpful, but it is not enough to know this apart from knowing the story in which it occurs. For if we believe we live in a world created by the God whose character and acts are found in the pages of the Bible, then shame is no mere artifact. It has purpose in a larger narrative, an interpersonal neurobiological instrument that is intentionally and skillfully used to distract and disrupt the story God is telling.”
Grace surprises us with unmerited and unexpected freedoms. Forgiveness knows no bounds, and no sin is too horrid that it can’t be washed clean. The Author of this powerful forgiveness knows my name. He longs to come alongside and release my burdens. ‘His’ story is all about interacting with my story and yours.
Choose to break the silence, and join a Conquer Group.
Remember, victory is in connection with God and others, not in willpower alone.
Tools To Conquer
The Conquer Series is a powerful cinematic study that combines both Scripture and Science to help men break free from pornography. Each episode contains valuable insight into the struggle with porn addiction.
You’ll learn why trying harder does not work, how the brain has been changed through the viewing of pornography, the importance of finding your identity in Christ, and how past experiences and trauma could be contributing to the present struggle. Yes, it is a process. But, like Scott, you can achieve healing and freedom.