Renewing the Mind: A Hurt Wife's Perspective

When I watched week 4 of the Conquer Series, a lightbulb went off in my head. I had lived in the dark for over a year since discovering my husband's sexual sin. I didn't understand anything that was going on in my world. I was still in shock that my husband would cheat on me.

I felt trapped in a nightmare. It made me sick to my stomach how many people's lives were flipped upside down because of my husband's sexual sin. The pieces didn't add up. None of it made sense. I had just one question I needed answering that kept me up at night and fixated on during the day...

Why

That's all I wanted to know. If we were going to stay married, my brain needed a logical answer to wrap itself around so I could protect myself from getting hurt this badly again. Without it, I felt like a sitting duck.

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For the first time since my world had imploded, I was given a neurologically and spiritually sound explanation. Dr. Jennings had no idea what kind of gift he was handing over to me when he described the brain of a sex addict. He might as well have been talking directly to me and Lamar. Our entire story unfolded just like he told us.

Lamar was exposed to pornography at a very young age. Initially, he experienced guilt and shame and hid and lied about it. Over the years, as his addiction grew, his tolerance did as well. He needed more and more dopamine to give him the same temporary pleasures.

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Eventually, though, with chronic masturbation and multiple extramarital affairs, his conscience was seared. He moved out of the home. He pushed all of his loved ones away. The oxytocin and vasopressin enabled him to connect with his affair partners. He could connect with the porn. But he couldn't connect with me. He was the male gypsy moth heading toward death.

His ego drove all of his actions. (We now call ego- Edging God Out). He became highly impulsive, spending money and driving like a maniac. He drank more than he should have drunk and mixed alcohol with pain pills.

The feelings of shame and anxiety he used to experience following acting out were replaced by coldness and numbness. He became a sicker version of his sick self. I didn't even know that was possible. But this person was much more dangerous. He no longer cared about getting caught or hurting me or the boys. He was utterly blind to the intense pain he was causing the ones who loved him most.

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Everything he had sworn at one point in his life he would never do, he did. He lied to no one more than himself. My mind kept asking why my husband did all these horrible and cruel things to us, and the answer was right there.

Tricycle Brakes

His limbic brain ran like a Ferrari engine, but his prefrontal cortex had deteriorated and could only operate like tricycle brakes. It didn't matter how much he didn't want to do the things he did. It didn't matter how often he had tried to stop. As long as the CEO of his brain was working with the power of a tricycle, we stood no chance.

But God gifted us through the Conquer Series with the exact tools we needed to fight back against the enemy. Episode 4 exposed the enemy's tactics and revealed to us how Lamar had lost so many battles during his life. He kept his struggle a secret. He tried fighting it alone with no community of support or flight leader. He never addressed the wounds in his life.

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God didn't leave him there. He loved him enough to reveal his sins to me. And yes! I do believe it was supernatural. My husband has phenomenal military training and a lifetime of being able to deceive me. Then, in a matter of months, my sweet Father kept exposing his sins to me, and I wasn't even looking for it!

Renewing of the Mind

Now we were being handed a legitimate way to fight back for his brain and our marriage. We held on to the hope Paul gave us when he instructed us to "be transformed by the renewal of your mind." He wouldn't have directed it if it wasn't possible, right?

As Lamar detoxed and new healthy neural pathways grew, I saw a new man emerge. Not only did he stop lying to himself, but he became completely transparent with me. His recovery work began to rewire his brain, and he developed empathy. For the first time, I felt he was starting to understand what his sin had cost me.

At this point, some of my deep wounds began to heal.

His recovery slowly seeped into every aspect of his life. He was free to lift both arms to worship in church, having nothing more to try and hide from God. He became a more patient dad to our boys. He slowed down with his driving and became more responsible with spending and saving. He reconnected with those he had pushed away and developed new and deeper relationships with men who wore similar wounds.

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So week 4 gave Lamar the tools he needed to set his mind free and educated me on what sexual sin and addiction did to his brain and consciousness. Now I know the warning signs to watch for in both him and our four sons. I can spot someone struggling right away. And God has given me an abundance of compassion not to judge, but to love those still weak in their sin.

Hope

The dreaded "why?" questions no longer plague me. I have found peace and healing from this wisdom through the Conquer Series. How about your wife? Have you watched her spiral out of control emotionally, drilling you with her "why" questions?

I completely understand and would be honored to walk beside her in her recovery journey. Please consider asking her if she would join me in a 10-week study where we will go through the Conquer Series together with five other women. In this small, private group, we will be able to learn more about sexual sin and addiction and see that there is hope, not just for your healing, but for hers, too.

The Conquer Series saved our marriage. It could be a gift from God to save yours, too. This Series has helped over 2 million men in over 100 countries in over 50,000 churches across the world. Get Access to the series among several others on the Soul Refiner platform and begin your journey toward healing and lasting freedom today!