How To Be A Lover AND A Fighter

Hello there gentleman,

Here's your chance to tap into a woman's mind and learn a few valuable things that could save your marriage. I know a thing or two about women since I am one. Like, an actual biological female. Do we have to state the “from birth” clause now for it to be valid? Every man needs to hear this. It’s that important.

Let's start with the obvious. If you're on our email list, it's probably because you've screwed up big time and you are looking for a way to repair the damage you've done to your family and marriage, most likely as a result of sexual sin. I'm not here to beat you over the head for that. You already know you've behaved like a buffoon. I don't have to drive that point home.

Related Article: Marriage Life After Porn Addiction

I'm here to help you stop the bleeding and save the marriage before it bleeds out entirely. Because if you aren't doing this one major thing, nothing will change.

What do I know about a struggling marriage, addiction, and recovery? Glad you asked. I survived an eighteen-year marriage riddled with infidelity and addiction. The marriage ended in divorce a few years ago, but it didn't have to. I had to fight my way out of the sinkhole of betrayal trauma. I was looking for one thing - the same thing that EVERY SINGLE WOMAN will agree on - a fight.

Related Article: Why Marriage Is To Die For & How To Improve Your Sex Life

Not an argument and, heaven forbid, a physical fight. I'm talking about a man who will fight for the marriage. A man who will show up, man up, and put up a fight to help his wife heal and save his marriage. That means doing the hard work to right the wrongs, repair the damage, and do the work to transform their life so she feels safe staying in the marriage. Not a man who will make excuses, cut corners, take the easy way out, and expect that everything will "go back to normal."

Here's a little secret. Yes, your wife is angry, hurt, confused, and broken by what you did. One moment, she may feel weak, vulnerable, an emotional wreck, and looking for comfort. The next moment, she may be ready to take your face off. It's normal. Those feelings will take time to heal, but one thing remains (for most women): we still want the Knight in shining armor to ride in.

No, you don't need to look like a youthful Mel Gibson, Harrison Ford, Denzel Washington, or whoever makes your wife weak in the knees. It has zero to do with appearance and stature and everything to do with character and will. Whether you're 5'2" or 6'2", bulging muscles or bulging gut - when it comes to fighting for us - we don't care. We want our man to show us he will fight for us and for the marriage.

Related Article: Marriage Recovery: Husbands Helping Wives Heal From Betrayal

Betrayal trauma causes PTSD and a slew of really horrendous physical, emotional, and even spiritual torment. If you don't recognize that, you must start by learning its impact on her. Your infidelity (porn, affairs, sexting, virtual stuff, whatever your flavor of sexual betrayal was) rocked your wife's world - to the core. She will never be the same, ever. She can't. It has permanently changed her. But, God can transform her pain.

Despite being utterly devastated and broken, many wives are still willing to find a way to forgive and work towards restoration. Do you know how crazy blessed you are if you have a wife who is willing to do that? Let's be honest. You don't deserve it. She has every right to walk away. But she chooses to stay. Yeah, maybe she's angry, hurt, stand-offish, cold, her emotions are all over the place - her world has crumbled.

Related Article: No More Secrets Or Shame: Restore Intimacy In Your Marriage

Her feelings are valid and real. If she hasn't filed the divorce papers and thrown your sorry butt out, there's hope. Even if she has thrown you out - there’s still hope if you fight for her. When the husband doesn't fight for the marriage, wives plan their exit strategy. Trust me on that one. I know.

Perhaps she's telling you there's nothing you can do. It's over. You may never hear her say, "Fight for me." Do you know why? Because we want you just to do it and not be told. We think, "If he loves me, he will want to fight for me. I shouldn't have to tell him." Regardless of what she’s telling you, deeply embedded in every woman is the desire to be wanted - fighting for her tells her she’s desired and wanted.

1. Understand Her Pain and Help Her Heal

Men tend to be less empathetic. Throw in sexual addiction, like porn; your ability to empathize drops oodles of points on the compassion scale. That's factual. Learn the science behind it by joining a Conquer Group and go through the Conquer Series and Warpath. Go through it more than once - believe me - I still watch it and pick up on things I didn’t pick up on before. Here's the good news: you can learn to be less Neanderthal-ish and more empathetic. We have resources, even fun challenges, to help you build empathy.

"Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves." - Philippians 2:3

Betrayal trauma is intense. Your wife is hurting - deeply. This stuff messes you up - big time. She didn't ask for it. You put it on her. There are days when it feels like it will take her down for good. You can't say sorry, sweep it under the rug, and expect her to put on a happy face. That's selfish and inconsiderate.

A lot of men will move forward with their healing, join Conquer groups, do all the homework, and get so engrossed in their recovery that they can't understand why their wives still seem so unhappy. Because you left her behind! That's why! She needs significant healing, and more than likely, she has no idea what to do. You must make her healing a priority. You need to get the tools to help move you from being her Judas to her hero.

Related Article: Contrary To Popular Belief, Marriage Will Not Cure Porn Addiction

Whether she's in the early stages of discovering your sexual sins or years down the road, if she's not had the proper tools to heal and you've not helped her in the process, she's still dealing with the residual effects of your sin. You MUST learn to be empathetic towards her pain; you can't be empathetic if you don't understand what's happened to her. It will require a great deal of humility and patience on your part.

Here's a simple tool you can use now.

Just be quiet when she's ranting about what you've done. Keep your pie hole shut. Don't argue back. Don't justify your behaviors. Don't tell her she's overreacting or try to calm her down and make her feel like she's lost her mind. Maybe she is overreacting. It's possible. Big deal. If she's following her plan for healing and doing the work, those emotions will start to level out. A highly intense emotional response years into recovery is not the way it's supposed to be. But for now, let her vent in these acute stages of pain and grief.

Here's what you can say after she's vented:

"I know it must be difficult to share what you're feeling. As hard it is to hear the pain I've caused you, I'm glad you're telling me."

"Sorry isn't enough. But I'm deeply sorry for what I've done to you, and I'm going to do all that I can to help you heal."

"You have every right to feel the way you do."

2. Purse your recovery and healing relentlessly

You need to be plugged into a community with other men and do the work to restore sexual integrity. There's never an excuse, but there is a root to your sexual sin. It started somewhere, likely from unhealed childhood wounds. That's often, but not always the case.

This journey to freedom will take hard, intentional, and consistent work. You're looking at years. Sanctification doesn't happen overnight - it's a process. But it's possible for everyone, no matter how deep you are in the muck of your sin.

Related Article: Here's How Full Disclosure Can Help Heal Your Marriage

Your wife will know when you're really serious about healing or just checking off the boxes. It's obvious when a man is serious about his freedom, healing, and restoration. He is in relentless pursuit of Jesus and his wife's heart. Every day, you should look more like Jesus as you move forward.

Your wife can forgive and heal from this betrayal. You can be set free and maintain sexual purity for the rest of your life. Jesus has made a way for all of us - nothing is impossible with Him. Fight for your marriage. Fight for her. Fight for your freedom and healing. Pursue your relationship with Christ. 

The most attractive feature in a man is his heart for God. Love her like Jesus, and you'll be the Knight in shining armor she needs, wants, and has always dreamed of.

For the Kingdom,
Karissa Washburn
Senior Producer, Soul Refiner