Do I Really Have To Tell My Wife Everything?

Simon still struggles with a secret he has kept for over 15 years. One night after an office party, he had sex with a female co-worker. Now he still wonders if he would need to tell his wife about the affair.

“Surely it would just wound her,” reasons Simon. “It’s probably better to just leave the past in the past. Why stir up trouble and risk ruining my marriage?”

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But maintaining the secrecy of past or current sexual infidelity will only intensify the damage to yourself and your spouse. This is equally true for everything from adultery to porn. Being open and honest with your spouse may be painful and difficult, but it is essential for restoring intimacy.

In every healing journey, it will become necessary to fully disclose all that you’ve looked at or participated in. This step is never easy, and if not done appropriately can send an individual backwards in their recovery while being exceptionally damaging to the spouse. Above everything, honesty must be a priority.

Related Article: How To Tell Your Wife That You’re Struggling with Porn

Remember, it isn’t the disclosure that causes the pain. It is the misbehavior that you’ve already committed, and the lies you have used to cover it up.

Brad Hambrick, the Pastor of Counseling at The Summit Church in Durham, North Carolina, said,

“To prolong your pleasure at the expense of your wife’s emotional pain is the epitome of selfishness, and to delay a disclosure that would allow your marriage to be marked by honor because of fear is cowardly.”

MT Wilson, a certified sex therapist, noted, “Telling your spouse the truth about your pornography use is a sensitive and complicated choice for multiple reasons. But counselors have seen that the major, long-term benefits of truth-telling are worth enduring the challenges. In fact, stable and sustainable sobriety requires it.”

Reasons To Tell Your Wife

There are two main reasons to tell your spouse about your porn viewing. First, you will only be able to become completely free from porn by confessing your sin to the person you have hurt most deeply. Integrity is core to your healing. You vowed to honor, love, and respect your wife. Living a secret sinful life shatters all three of those vows.

Secondly, revealing your porn addiction is a major step in the healing process of your marriage and your road to recovery.

Confession will also begin to restore your relationship with God and allow Him to bring the spiritual and emotional healing you need. Proverbs 28:13 says,

“He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.”

Wilson explained, “A full confession to your spouse is part of your release from the shame that shackles you. For those still living in bondage, the power of this freedom is hard to grasp. But those who have experienced this freedom are witnesses to this truth. Moving from the darkness of shame to the light of God’s love and forgiveness (1 Thessalonians 5:4-10) will set you free to become the person God planned you to be from the beginning (Ephesians 2:10).”

Related Article: Full Disclosure – How Victory Over Shame Comes Through Honesty

Plan out the disclosure. Do not do it hurriedly. Ensure that there is support available for both you and your spouse. Understand that this may come as a shock to your wife, and she may be instantaneously forced to deal with an array of emotions. If you are not prepared, and do not have a strong support system in place for yourself, this can lead you to relapse – once again in an attempt to medicate the pain that you feel.

You’re going to need to realize that you are the result of the agony she is facing. However, you have to be positioned in strength to avoid the attacks of the enemy that will result from your honesty. Keep in mind, Satan prefers to keep people in bondage to sexual sin. So he will deploy every lie and accusation to make you feel like you’re a complete failure.

Related Article: Identity Attacked: How Satan Authors Lies

How To Tell Her

Josh Buck of Strength of Light wrote:

“You need to be prepared for this and accept it. You, sir, are hurting. Porn has harmed you. But don’t play the victim. You need to be able to accept that you are the one that made your own decisions, and though you likely were responding to your own pain, your own wounds, your own insecurities that drove you to porn use, none of that is her fault. Decide ahead of time that you will not make excuses, or put any of the blame on her.”

Before you talk with your wife, be sure that you have already confessed and repented to God.

Related Article: How These Men Are Getting Over Porn

Then talk with a godly man you trust and can depend on to walk with you on your journey to sobriety. If you are in an accountability group, the men will constantly encourage you and keep you on track.

Brad Hambrick stressed, “Do not dump your burden on your wife. You know the weight of this information; don’t transfer it from your back to hers. When you disclose your pornography usage you are starting a conversation, not making a one-time statement. She will need time to assimilate this new information into her understanding of the marriage. Your struggle is part of her story, as your wife, too.”

What Do I Tell Her

Do you need to tell her everything? Yes! But you should be ‘specific’ without being ‘graphic’.

Caleb Simonyi-Gindele, the co-founder of OnlyYouForever, explained:

“Guys often think they can soften the blow by spreading out the disclosure. It actually has the opposite effect. A staggered disclosure (telling her small pieces over time) leads to greater trauma. Think about it this way: if you had one major car accident you’d be a little hesitant about climbing back in the vehicle after you recovered, but you’d know you need to get on with life.“

“However, if you were rear-ended once every 5-15 days for 8 times — you’d probably be much more likely to swear off driving and just take a bus. Each time you were hit again it would exacerbate the previous physical injuries and also increase your level of jumpiness and fear around driving. That’s trauma — a staggered disclosure is a great way to amplify trauma. So you do need to disclose fully in one sitting.”

This disclosure should take place in consultation with your group leader, your pastor, and your counselor.

Related Article: Husbands, Here’s How To Love Your Wife Well

Conversation Guide

You can use these basic guidelines when you are ready to sit down with your wife. Be sure you will be in a private setting where there will not be any interruptions or distractions.

1. Start By Telling Her The General Problem

Tell her you have been struggling with pornography and have been unable to break your addiction on your own. Let her know any steps you have already taken (participating in an accountability group, receiving counseling, etc.).

2. Take Ownership Of Your Actions

Whatever was at the root of your porn usage, don’t make excuses. There is nothing that she did to cause or prolong your addiction.

Related Article: Why Your Porn Problem Is Not Your Wife’s Fault

3. Resist Trying To Have A Prolonged Conversation

Get right to the point and stick to the topic. Be aware that as soon as you tell her, her mind will begin trying to process what she has heard and that she may hear very little of what you say after the initial shock.

4. Accept Full Responsibility

Do not try to justify any of your actions in any way. Also, don’t try to minimize how greatly you have betrayed her.

5. Invite Her To Ask Questions

Be patient and give her time to absorb and process the information you shared. If she asks a question, answer directly and honestly, respecting her need to get more details.

6. Offer A Plan For Both Of You

Show her you are serious about restoring your marriage and overcoming your addiction by suggesting a plan of action you both can begin immediately. Maybe you can install porn blockers or accountability software right away. Also, think of actions she might like to take to help her process the information you have told her. And certainly consider steps you can take together, such as therapy or counseling.

Related Article: Which Accountability Software Is Right For Me?

Just as you have to be in a process for your recovery, she is going to need a process, a group, and additional support as she recovers from the pain you have caused her.

KingdomWorks Studios is currently working on a film series to help wives begin to heal. Be sure to sign up to receive updates.

Related Article: The Fallout of Porn: How the Church Can Help Hurting Wives

Caution

You should be practicing honesty and openness with your wife throughout this entire process. The aim is that you have a framework and support network in place to help you as a couple as you work through this disclosure.

If you’re not sure how to properly and effectively deal with disclosure, check out Warpath. Warpath is a long-term course for men who have completed the Conquer Series. Hosted by Dr. Doug Weiss, Warpath will cover a variety of topics in a number of modules – one of which is devoted entirely to disclosure.

This journey isn’t about you anymore. Take responsibility for your actions and pursue healing today. Sign up at SoulRefiner.com to take advantage of courses that can help strengthen and restore your marriage.