Are You Codependent? 10 Signs You Could Be

The majority of individuals who are married to a person struggling with pornography or sexual addiction will admit that they are exhausted. A significant amount of mental energy has been focused on how to help their spouse find sobriety.

Nothing seems to be working. They constantly feel the need to check cell phone records, credit card statements, and the browser history on the computer. Many have become accustomed to adorning a mask when they are around their family, friends, and church members to boast the appearance that everything is okay. Inwardly, they feel as if they are suffocating by the constant pressure.

Friend, if any of this sounds like you, you may be struggling with codependency.

What Is Codependency

Pure Desire Ministries reports in the Betrayal & Beyond study that 85% of women married to sex addicts may deal with some level of codependency.

But how do we define codependency?

In her book, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, Melody Beattie states,

“Ever since people first existed, they have been doing all the things we label ‘codependent.’ They have worried themselves sick about other people. They have tried to help in ways that didn’t help. They have said yes when they meant no. They have tried to make other people see things their way. They have bent over backwards avoiding hurting people’s feelings and, in so doing, have hurt themselves."

Beattie goes on to say,

"They have been afraid to trust their feelings. They have believed lies and then felt betrayed. They have wanted to get even and punish others. They have felt so angry they wanted to kill. They have struggled for their rights while other people said they didn’t have any. They have worn sackcloth because they didn’t believe they deserved silk.”

Related Article: 5 Reasons To Reject Resentment

Fine Line

Designed within us is the passion to care deeply for others. The situation quickly becomes unhealthy when that level of care causes us to neglect ourselves or others around us. Oftentimes we will simply make the excuse that we’re only trying to help.

But if we’re honest, we can identify areas of our lives that are being left unattended in an effort to help our spouse break free from the addictive cycle.

Related Article: Addiction: It Doesn’t Have To Be This Way

It can be hard to decipher whether or not we’re acting out of codependency or love. And most of the time, it is a combination of both. It is not wrong to love someone and desire to help them. When that compulsion begins to rob us of who we are, what we enjoy, and our relationships with others, then it is time to be concerned. Codependency, when allowed to take root and continue to grow, can turn into an addiction all on its own.

10 Signs You May Struggle With Codependency

1. You’re constantly checking his cell phone, the history on the computer, or reading his journal.
2. You have a short temper. You react angrily towards your kids, or become easily annoyed at work.
3. Are you constantly looking for ways to fix your husband? Do you spend countless hours researching ways to help him?
4. You compromise your values. Because you believe that you are not attractive enough, you spend time and money on clothing that you feel uncomfortable wearing. Maybe you are entertaining the idea of watching pornography with him. The thought is that watching it together will satisfy him enough, and he won’t need to view porn in secret.
5. Your emotional state is dictated by him, and can change moment by moment.
6. It is difficult for you to express your feelings to your husband or anyone else.
7. Feelings of self-hatred are emerging, and you cannot stomach to look at yourself in the mirror. You feel plagued with constant anxiety. The initial discovery of his addiction threw you into a deep depression to the point that you had to miss work and stay in bed.
8. To diffuse a situation, you constantly find yourself being the first one to apologize. You will give in or shut down just to avoid a confrontation.
9. Have you quit doing things that you enjoy so that you can keep a watchful eye on your husband? You tell yourself that it’s good for your marriage to do everything together, but in reality you are terrified of the outcome if your husband is given time alone.
10. You make excuses for his behavior, whether you’re talking to people or giving yourself a pep talk.

Breaking Free

For years, I tried to control the situation within our home. What I didn’t realize is that while I was trying to fix my husband, I was enabling him to continue down a path of destruction.

As the Conquer Series mentions, sexual addiction is often about trying to medicate the pain of wounds that occurred during childhood. I couldn’t fix a problem that wasn’t mine to fix.

Constantly checking the cell phone or the history on the computer was exhausting! But I kept doing it because I wanted to discover a problem before it grew into an even bigger problem. I wanted to be prepared for the next fall out that would occur. I had become so accustomed to being disappointed in this regard, that I completely gave up on the thought that things would get better.

Related Article: The Fallout Of Porn: How The Church Can Help Hurting Wives

Divorcing was not an option though, as I didn’t want my kids to come from a broken home. My happiness and safety was forgotten to ensure everyone else’s level of comfort and security was not broken. I was struggling with codependency, and I had no idea!

Things did not improve until I realized that I had done all that I could do, and I accepted momentary defeat. I had to come to a place of recognizing that God alone was in control of the situation. The outcome was up to Him to figure out. I had to release the grip that I had on my husband and my kids, and surrender them all into the loving hands of Jesus.

Detachment Can Be Healthy

Realizing that I was planning on leaving was hard for me. Though upset, I felt peace. Looking back now, I realize why I was at peace. It wasn’t because I was finally okay with the outcome, it was because the Holy Spirit was nudging my heart telling me that He wasn’t finished yet. In fact, He was just getting started. He had been waiting for my surrender so He could take control! Impossible is where God begins.

Hitting rock bottom finally allowed my husband to see the consequences of his behavior. And it empowered him to finally tune into God, and all that He wanted to do in his life. He was finally faced with a choice, “Do I continue to repeat the sins of past generations which are hurting me and my family?” or “Am I ready to change?”

Related Article: Science Confirms Bible On Generational Curses (VIDEO)

An addict will not take the steps necessary to change until the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change.

Fortunately, my story has a happy ending. For the first time, my husband learned to verbalize all that he had kept stuffed deep down inside. By allowing the things to come into the light, he was giving God the opportunity to heal those wounds. And those wounds are what kept haunting him in his present and would have kept haunting him into his future. Darkness cannot reign in light.

Related Article: Full Disclosure – How Victory Over Shame Comes Through Honesty

The journey has not been easy, as we both have had to recognize areas that we needed to continually surrender to God. It has been worth it though!

Spiritual Battle

Remember, Satan is prowling. He is on a mission to steal, kill, and destroy. And one of the biggest groups of people who have a target on their back is married couples. By ensnaring individuals in the grip of sexual addiction, he is not just taking out the individual.

He is ruining spouses and innocent children. Your battle today is not against your husband, though it may feel like it. Your battle is against Satan, and the only way you’re going to win this battle is on your knees in prayer. It is a spiritual battle, one that can be won through Christ.

Related Article: How Viewing Porn Is Wounding Your Wife & Hurting Your Family

Remember, embarking on your own healing journey instead of focusing all of your attention on your husband’s does not mean that you quit caring. It simply means that you recognize that regardless of the outcome in your husband’s life, you do not have to remain a prisoner of the pain. You can be free! And in most cases, when you start experiencing freedom and allowing the Holy Spirit to change you, the fruits of that will carry over into others.

So take charge of your life again!

To further help you understand your husband’s struggle and what it will take for him to find freedom, watch the Conquer Series. This will alleviate the pressure that you feel to make things better by allowing you to fully comprehend that the battle that he is facing probably took root before you knew him.

KingdomWorks Studios is currently working on a series for wives entitled, From The Ashes. Be sure to sign up to receive updates.