Why Your Porn Problem Is Not Your Wife’s Fault
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Whether they can clearly identify it or not, those who struggle with porn often battle deep feelings of rejection, shame, and guilt. They have found some level of solace in viewing pixels on a computer screen. Porn seems to momentarily medicate the pain of past sexual, physical, or emotional abuse.
As the momentary high wears off, feelings of guilt and shame not only resurface, but are likely stronger than before. In an attempt to soothe the guilt and shame felt, individuals may try to justify their porn viewing. While many excuses exist, one of the most common ones tend to shift the blame to the wife. However, porn usage likely started at an early age, long before meeting one’s spouse.
Related Article: 5 Pathetic Excuses For Porn Use
Viewing porn is a personal choice. Like any choice we make in life, we may consider various factors in reaching a decision. But ultimately, we alone decide what action we will take. We cannot hold anyone else accountable for our choice. The same is true for choosing to view pornography.
Take Responsibility For Your Actions
Yes, the Bible is clear that there are benefits to intimacy within marriage – such as guarding and protecting the relationship from outside sources of temptation. However, a husband and wife need to openly communicate about their expectations. Realistically, life’s many variables also need to be considered. Situations may arise that are outside of one’s control, and this could prohibit intimacy for a period of time.
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Notoriously, Christmas is one of the busiest seasons for families – whether preparing the house of incoming guests, shopping, or attending parties. A husband can choose to either spend his time seeking out porn or helping his wife. She, in return, may then have more time to devote to the desires of her husband.
Matt Fradd, author, speaker, and founder of The Porn Effect, said,
“It isn’t your wife’s fault she isn’t hundreds of two-dimensional Internet women. It isn’t your wife’s fault she isn’t as clickable and customizable as the endless parade of digital women. It isn’t your wife’s fault she doesn’t become sexually euphoric at the drop of a hat like the porn stars you frequent. She is a woman—a human being with sexual desires and feelings of her own.”
Mike Genung, the founder of Blazing Grace, wrote, “Every time I acted out with porn or committed adultery it was 100% my choice. Michelle never threatened me with divorce if I didn’t sin. The truth is that she, like most wives, wanted me to stop. This is a part of the sheer insanity of a husband blaming his wife for his sexual sin – she wants him to stop so they can have a happy marriage.”
Related Article: Husbands, Here’s How To Love Your Wife Well
Excess Baggage
Research shows that eleven is the average age that a child is first exposed to porn, and 94% of children will see porn by the age of 14. For most men, this means that the struggle with porn likely started at a very young age. Over time, the type of pornography viewed and the time spent on porn likely increased drastically.
Over the years, porn’s grip on your life has likely tightened. As a result, it may be difficult for you to establish close relationships. Shame and guilt may cause you to feel that you are unlovable by anyone, including your wife. You likely even brought the excess baggage of porn into your marriage as a result.
But those thoughts are lies that Satan has been telling you. That’s what he does best and the Bible says he is the Father of Lies (John 8:44).
Related Article: 6 Lies Men Believe When They Struggle With Porn
The Truth About Grace & Love
The truth is that God has unbounded love for you. Everyone sins. A person may struggle with alcohol, drugs, smoking, or maybe even pornography. But God loves us in spite of our sins, and he declares us to be worthy of grace and love.
In the same regard, your wife made a choice to love you. She has likely spent a considerable amount of time praying for you. She wants the best for you, and has many hopes and dreams for your future. By blaming her, you are rejecting the love that she does have to offer.
Related Article: How Viewing Porn Is Wounding Your Wife & Hurting Your Family
Author Melissa Edgington explained to wives, “Your husband’s pornography problem is about one thing. It’s about how sin is always crouching at our door, waiting to devour us. Pornography is such a quick and easy temptation, and it’s everywhere. Your husband wouldn’t be normal if he didn’t struggle with the desire to look at pornography. He didn’t suddenly develop a taste for lustful thoughts and images when he married you. Chances are, he has struggled for most of his life with this issue, and despite what many think, even a happy marriage isn’t a cure for the desire to look at what can be so easily found on the internet.”
Related Article: Contrary to Popular Belief, Marriage Will Not Cure Porn Addiction
Porn Addiction Is Not About Sex
It may seem logical that pornography addiction is about sex. After all, a man is looking at images of people engaging in sexual acts. But Dr. Ted Roberts, founder of Pure Desire Ministries and host of the Conquer Series, explained, “Sexual addiction at its core is an intimacy and attachment disorder. So the person learns to disassociate. He’s not aware of what he’s feeling or thinking.”
Dr. Roberts emphasized,
“Sexual bondage is not about sex. It’s about how you’ve learned to medicate the pain in your life…How you love your wife is really how you love Christ. Don’t cut it any other way. Your wife needs to feel protected and loved by you. She cannot feel that way if you are lusting after the women in your pornographic material.”
Related Article: Returning Intimacy To Your Relationship
According to Covenant Eyes, “This is why ‘the other woman,’ whether she is flesh and blood or pixels on the screen, pulls at a man’s heart. It isn’t because he has an inattentive wife. However obedient or disobedient she may be (look it up in 1 Corinthians 7:3), the man is responsible for his own covetous desires. No matter how much he may be sexually drawn to his wife, the sinful drive within pulls his thoughts toward the women he can’t have.”
Spiritual Warfare
Besides all of the emotional, physical, and shame factors, you are also dealing with spiritual aspects.
Related Article: Identity Attacked: How Satan Authors Lies
Noah Filipiak, the author of Beyond The Battle, said, “What we all long for from sex, porn, and romantic relationships is to be told we are valuable, approved, and desired. No one, married or single, will ever truly find these things from another person (or a depiction of a person in porn), but the great news is that every Christian has already found these things from Jesus. When we each live into these truths in the specific context we’ve been given by God, whether that be singleness, a bad marriage, or a good one, we’ll find we need nothing else to satisfy us.”
Dr. Roberts said, “When we realize trying harder is not going to work and we understand grace, then all of a sudden we can start moving into sweet revenge and hammer the enemy. That’s why it’s so important for you to understand that the battle is not about sinning less, but it’s about healing and renewing your mind.”
Related Article: How Meditating On God Changes Your Identity
You Can Overcome Porn
Whether you have just started viewing pornography or have had a long-term addiction to porn, there is help available to you. The Conquer Series has helped millions of men around the world begin their journey to a life free from porn.
This 10-week course has powerful testimonies, strong Biblical teaching, scientific information, and military action reenactments. While an individual can greatly benefit from the series, it is encouraged to join a Conquer Group. These groups consist of men who have personally experienced the struggle with porn. They are a band of brothers, willing to offer support and accountability, encouragement, and prayer.
Aaron Tysdale of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, Canada said, “I struggled on and off again with pornography for a long time. I finally realized how it was hurting my wife and how it was hurting my family. So I decided to not do it anymore. I thought it was just about pornography and had no idea there was anything else under the surface. After about four months of sobriety, I kept hearing ads for the Conquer Series on TruNews, and I felt like it was something I should look into.”
Aaron added,
“I bought it and watched it with my wife and had huge realizations about how I was medicating my pain with pornography and using sex to feel better. Since then I have been working through what has brought me pain in my life in order to deal with the pain and not mask it anymore.”
You are one choice away from a totally different life! Start TODAY by committing to overcoming pornography.