Marriage Life After Porn Addiction

For a marriage that has been rocked by pornography or infidelity, things may look bleak at the moment. Chances are, you’re not even sure that your relationship will be able to survive. I get it because I’ve been there.

I want to share a few things that I’ve learned over the past several years, which have exponentially helped save my marriage. Because of these choices and changes, my marriage did not just heal — it flourished.

No, you will not typically experience immediate results. Yes, with commitment from both you and your spouse, it will be worth it.

Making The Choice To Love, Forgive, And Heal

If your spouse is struggling with addiction, start by praying for him. In her book Unglued, Lysa TerKeurst says,

“Dare to pray for an overwhelming sense of God’s love – not love for the ugliness that has come from this person but love for the soul God created within them. She or he belongs to God. He loves them. He treasures them even when He doesn’t approve of their actions.”

It’s okay to set boundaries, one of which might require him to join an accountability group.

Related Article: What Does Proactive Accountability Look Like?

The Conquer Series is a cinematic teaching for men seeking to break free from pornography and sexual addiction. Not only does it help them through the process of renewing their mind hooked on porn, but it provides Biblical strategies and practical tools that can help them find lasting freedom.

But don’t stop there! The world may tell you that he is the only one that needs to heal, but you do too.

KingdomWorks Studios is currently working on a film series for helping wives heal. Be sure to sign up to receive updates regarding this project.

While you’re waiting, you may find it helpful to work through the Betrayal & Beyond workbook study created by Pure Desire Ministries.

This resource will help you over the coming weeks as you work through analyzing your pain, and formatting a game plan to help you move forward, and will provide tips on creating healthy boundaries. Through their book, Stories for Women, you will be encouraged by other women who have walked in your shoes and who have found healing.

Remember, it is vital to focus on healing both as an individual and as a couple.

Begin Again

Make the choice to rebuild the broken marriage. It will take time and effort, oh so much effort, to regain trust! Dr. Doug Weiss mentions in the Conquer Series,

“Protection has a fragrance. And when a woman smells that fragrance, her heart feels so safe. And when she can’t smell it, she feels innately insecure. What a man loves he protects.”

Trust is something that is developed over time, but can be shattered instantaneously.

A struggle with porn is not something that will quietly go away forever.

Freedom is a process, one that will require determination, courage, and accountability. Encourage your husband to participate in a Conquer Group, if he is not already doing so.

Not only will he realize that he is not alone, but he will be given practical tools and Biblical strategies to help him find freedom. These men will quickly become brothers in Christ, who will band together and provide accountability, encouragement, support, friendship, and prayer.

Even though you’re wounded, seek God to help you become attentive to the progress that he is making. Take note of the little things, such as when he chooses to spend more time with the family. Watch for him to pick up the Bible before bed instead of surfing the internet or NetFlix.

Make these things priorities for yourself as well. Isolation is never good. And chances are you spent some time beating yourself up, reminding yourself of all of your flaws. Skip the latest TV sitcoms, and instead study Scripture that will remind you of your value found in Christ.

The Importance Of Communication

Learning to communicate in a healthy way, freely being able to express worries, concerns, and emotions with one another is also important.

This can be difficult, especially if lifetime experiences made you feel as if your voice was never heard or regarded.

I remember being full of fear when I had to approach my husband to discuss a situation that wasn’t sitting well with me. He didn’t understand my feelings at first. When I finally let it all out, I was relieved when he acknowledged how I felt and immediately worked to remedy the situation. Just knowing that I was actually heard gave me the courage to freely go back to him with any other fears I was facing regarding our healing.

Through time, it had a ripple effect. I started to learn, though a work in progress, that I can be vulnerable with my husband. I no longer have to wear a mask and pretend that everything is okay when it’s not.

Open and honest communication, regardless of the topic, can prohibit walls from forming between you and your husband. It can also tear down the barrier that was once there, as you find truth to replace speculation.

Danny Silk, author of Keep Your Love On, shares,

“Until you commit to the goal of connection, all the relational tools in the world are not going to help you.”

Dating Your Spouse

Set aside time on a regular basis to work on your relationship. You cannot just pick up where things left off, but instead need to learn how to dream together again.

Date nights, weekend trips, sunrise beach walks on Saturday mornings, or just playing a game after the kids are put to bed can help you fall in love with one another again.

This can be joyous, as you are finally getting to know the entire person and not just the details that they feel comfortable disclosing.

Related Article: Restoring Intimacy To Your Relationship

Use this time, not only for discussing how to move forward but to also remember what it is like to smile and laugh. It’s okay to treat this time the same as you did on the very first date – cautiously. Over time, as you break bread together, play a round of mini-golf, or go for a walk, the tension will begin to ease.

Parents need to remember that this time apart from their kids is vital. While children are tremendous blessings from the Lord, they can also be a distraction that does not allow time for deep conversation. Hopefully, by God’s grace, your relationship will far surpass your baby going off to college or getting married.

Fan The Flames

Intimacy is another area that must be attended to. Both individually and as a couple, conduct an honest assessment of this area. Your husband will need to identify things that could potentially be triggering. You may have to admit to each other that you’ve allowed unhealthy habits to form in your relationship as you’ve sought to compete with porn.

This layer of healing was painful for me, as it was here that I realized many of my own struggles. As a couple, we made the choice to get rid of these unhealthy thoughts and items. We experienced a lot of frustration! But as we have asked God to move in our lives, even in this most private area, He has been faithful.

There Is Hope

For me, I can personally say that my marriage is solid and satisfying. We enjoy one another’s company, and feel like we have been given a brand-new relationship. But know this, it took time, hard work, and yes, even many tears. Through it all, I am thankful that I chose to never give up!

Related Article: How These Men Are Getting Over Porn

Sonya shared with us,

“God has done a great work of deliverance in my husband’s life. The Conquer Series was instrumental in that. After ordering the series for my son he watched them with him. I’ve been praying that both my husband and son will be completely surrendered to the Lord. My husband, Tim, met with our pastor. God used our pastor to help deliver Tim from the addiction of smokeless tobacco, unforgiveness and pornography. He has a new heart! Praise God!!”

Things are not as they seem right now. God is positioning your life, preparing the way for things that you cannot yet comprehend. And I believe that with God’s guidance and direction, the outcome will be amazing!

The Conquer Series was created to help men who truly desire to be free from pornography and sexual addiction. And as couples are ready to bridge the gap that exists between them, Stronger Together – a five-week course for couples – can help significantly. Get started today at SoulRefiner.com.