A Woman’s Journey Through Love, Addiction, And Betrayal

Busted!

I was about five years old when I was caught “playing doctor” with a friend from church. My parents freaked out, contacted the pastor, and we were chastised for our behavior in one grueling session after church. Shortly afterwards, my family left the church and did not return for at least fifteen years.

Family Dynamics

I was raised in a two-parent home in Pennsylvania. I have one sibling, who is several years older than myself. My dad worked a job that kept him out of the home for most of my adolescent years. My mom was a stay-at-home mom until I became a teenager. During this time, she devoted her life to caring for my sister and I but as I got older she found herself getting lonely.

Once the internet was introduced into our home, she began to chat with people from all around the world. A guy from Texas quickly became her best friend, and was introduced to the entire family through instant messaging. After talking for a while, he made the trip to Pennsylvania to meet us.

He was fun and easy-going, but told stories of a very difficult life. Shortly after returning to Texas, he ended up sick. The decision was made to bring him back across the country to move in with us. Eventually, he found a place of his own in our hometown. Shortly thereafter, he became chronically ill because of poor choices he had made throughout his life. From that point forward, my mom devoted nearly ten years of her life to his care until his death. Sadly, she passed away four weeks later.

Because of things in my mom’s past, she raised my sister and I to believe that sex was wrong, dirty, and a right of passage for men but was not intended for women’s enjoyment.

Oddly enough though, I remember her encouraging both my sister and I to learn to satisfy ourselves.

I honestly have no idea how I became curious at such a young age. What I do know is that things would spiral downward in a series of events a bit later in life.

In third grade, my body started to fill out in all of the wrong places. I became an overweight girl with glasses, who received a lot of ridicule from classmates. Shortly afterwards, I started numbing the pain by pulling out my eyelashes.

My mom didn’t understand why I would do such thing, and because of her lack of understanding she became infuriated. Once she became so angry that she held me down while she pulled my eyelashes out with tweezers screaming in my face “If you want to be ugly, I’ll make you ugly!” I am now in my thirties, and sometimes I still hear those words echo throughout my mind when I look in the mirror.

In My Mind

I first encountered nudity on television while staying at my cousin’s house. We stumbled upon a late night TV show while flipping through the channels.

There it was on the screen and forever embedded in our minds. We knew that we shouldn’t watch it, but found ourselves coming back weekend after weekend. Little did I know that this would set me on a path to a struggle that would last for years.

During my high school years, I felt awkward and out of place–definitely never turning the heads of boys. I continued to be overweight, and now not only did I have glasses but I also had braces. The insults increased, and I began to starve myself because I wanted to fit in. I lost 70 pounds within just a short amount of time.

I had been covering my tracks well, so when I ended up sick my mom became concerned and took me to the doctor. There, I had to admit to what I had been doing to myself. I had to begin the journey back to health under the close, watchful eye of my family.

The Age Of The Internet

We got our first computer around the time that I turned sixteen. I was spending a lot of time alone while the rest of my family was working. I quickly learned that I could connect with people from all around the world using chat rooms and instant messaging.

Being insecure about myself, I enjoyed being able to hide my true identity. I could pretend that I was somebody that I was not, and it often times attracted the attention of guys in their 20s. Though I knew it was wrong, I would spend countless hours talking to them–even allowing them to send through nude photographs of themselves. I would then hide the pictures so I could look at them on a nightly basis.

I was craving attention, and I was finally receiving it even if it was in less than appropriate ways. Slipping off into a fantasy world made me feel secure, and at times, even seemed to increase my confidence–though it was confidence being built upon false identities.

Recipe For Disaster

At the age of 17, I started dating a guy whom I had met online through a series of computer-based friendships. I was now satisfied and no longer sought after inappropriate online conversations. Confusing sex with love, I allowed myself to be coaxed into an intimate relationship quickly.

Being that he was in the military, the largest portion of our relationship was spent on the phone or connecting via the internet. During our late night calls, we would have inappropriate conversations while I watched porn that I had secretly borrowed from a coworker. We became engaged after only about six months of dating, and we were scheduled to be married in early 2004.

Just a few months before the wedding, I was involved in a swimming pool accident which resulted in a pretty serious neck injury. It was during this time that I realized that this man really lacked sympathy and compassion, so I ended our relationship.

Shortly afterwards, I found out that he had been cheating on me. The other woman was pregnant with his child.

I had so many emotions swirling through my head, but was mainly thankful that I got out of the relationship when I did.

I had been so consumed by having a man in my life, that I quickly jumped into a new relationship. Confusing sex with love once again, I jumped into an intimate relationship with him. We moved in together after dating for six months.

I believed the lie that porn would further enhance our relationship, so he and I would watch it together. In 2005, we got married and immediately started a family. People told us that we would never make it, but life was great, or so I thought.

Betrayal

Because my husband and I viewed pornography together, I neglected to realize that he may have struggled with it outside of our relationship. I was surprised, hurt, and angry to discover that he was seeking out internet porn while I was at work. I found myself in a confusing situation; porn watching within our relationship was enough for me, so why wasn’t it enough for him? This started me into a spiral of trying harder to please him, regardless of what that meant. This also caused me to feel neglected and unloved.

Related Article: Women Struggle With Porn Too

A few months after our second child was born, I was contacted by the man whom I had been engaged to previously. He was coming out of a bad relationship, he was lonely, and I was craving attention again. He and I started to talk on the phone nightly after my husband and kids were asleep.

Part of me felt like I was getting revenge on my husband. The other part of me felt convicted that I shouldn’t be doing this. After about a week of these phone calls, I finally told my ex that we had to quit communicating. I explained that I was married with a family, and that I was determined to make things work for my husband and me.

Devastation

One month before our fifth anniversary, I was contacted by a woman who had engaged in an inappropriate online relationship with my husband. She detailed the plans they had made to meet at a hotel, and I was devastated!

Reacting out of betrayal, contempt, and fear resulted in me telling him that he had to leave. I was drowning in my emotions! I was torn between loving him and hating him. I knew that he was an amazing dad and our kids were missing him terribly. I was afraid of what life would be like without him, and I didn’t want those who said we would never make it to end up being right. I also became lustful with my eyes, focusing my attention on a young man whom I had met while working.

After about a week and a half, we made the decision for my husband to move back home. We decided to rid our home of all pornography–which freed both of us from the grip of sin. I put a password on our computer which I refused to share with him. We halfheartedly got involved with church. I gave up on the fantasy created within my mind over the man that I had been lusting after. We were working on mending our relationship.

Eventually I started to trust him again and allowed him to have access to the computer. I believed that we had finally reached the pinnacle of his healing.

Identity In Christ

I came to realize the love of Christ like I had never known before as I walked through the days and weeks following my mom’s death in 2014. I began to pursue God on a daily basis, and was experiencing so much joy! I was leading preschoolers at my church on a weekly basis, and I started a Bible Study for women.

In 2016, I started a chaplaincy course available through a disaster relief organization based out of Virginia. That Fall, I quit my job to attend ministry school. I was on fire for the Lord, and I believed that things were going great!

Related Article: How Meditating On God Changes Your Identity

My determination to seek after and serve God did not go unnoticed by the enemy. I am convinced that he tried employing all of his devices to sideline me!

Under Siege

I became ill with pneumonia in August 2016. It was around this time that my dad met a woman who lived out of state. Within one week, my daughter broke her arm requiring surgery–not once, but twice. Early in October, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. I devoted a large amount of my attention to caring for my dad. I took him to his appointments, medical tests, and chemotherapy treatments.

On Thanksgiving, my dad asked his girlfriend to marry him. This brought about a lot of mixed emotions–as I really liked this woman, but was still finding myself grieving at times without my mom. In January, my dad announced that when they got married he was moving to Florida. Immediately, the enemy decided to hijack my emotions.

I started to believe that my dad had been using me just so he didn’t have to go through cancer alone, that he was going to move to Florida and forget his family, and more. I became angry, crying almost on a daily basis, and I started to fight with my dad regularly. Spiritual warfare was definitely raging in my life!

It was during this time that I found out that I also needed surgery, my husband hurt his knee rendering him unable to work and in need of surgery, and my mother-in-law started experiencing serious health issues. Through all of this though, I kept my eyes fixed on God—determined that the enemy wouldn’t win. On one Sunday afternoon in February though, that would all change!

Rock Bottom

I was in my room resting one Sunday afternoon when my daughter came in. I could tell by her face that something was wrong. She had been outside playing, so I thought that maybe someone had gotten hurt. Boy was I wrong!

She came to tell me that she had been outside playing, and she wanted to get something from her toy box–which was in the same room as our computer. She then told me that her daddy was on the computer talking to someone, but that he was also looking at naked women.

I was furious! Not only had my husband been deceiving me for years, but he now subjected our daughter to smut. With everything else going on around me, I shut down, I gave up, and I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. Immediately, I started making plans for me and our three kids to leave–and I isolated in silence, vowing to never speak to my husband again unless it was absolutely necessary.

I laid on the floor sobbing like I never have before. I cried out to God and asked him why he would allow all of this to happen while I was doing everything I could to serve Him. I prayed frantically for me, but upon being prompted by the Holy Spirit I also prayed for my husband. Regardless, I felt unchanged and still in shock, and I continued with my plan to leave.

Healing

We went through the day in silence. After putting the kids to bed, my husband asked if he could speak with me. I retorted that I didn’t want to hear anything that he had to say–but eventually gave in because of his persistence.

My husband finally poured his heart out. He told me secrets of his past, and we talked about the traumatic things he dealt with in his life. He shared how he had felt emotionally as he went through these difficult times. That night, a peace settled over me. For the first time in my life, I felt like my husband was telling all of the truth. I now looked at my husband not as a man who struggled with porn, but a man who struggled with his past.

For him, he hasn’t looked back since that night. For me, my healing journey was only beginning.

For the longest time, I thought that I was fine. I believed that the only one who needed to heal was my husband.

When I accepted my job at KingdomWorks Studios, I had no idea that it would send me on a journey to finding freedom for myself!

The Conquer Series

I first saw the Conquer Series when I arrived in Florida last summer. I remember lying on my couch with tears streaming down my face as I realized how much the wounds of one’s past can set one up for constant defeat as an adult. I finally understood all of the truths surrounding my husband’s addiction, but was finally learning to call out the wounds in my own life and how they contributed to many of my life experiences.

I began to realize that I had become wounded because of my dad’s absence and my mom’s anger and loneliness. I started to re-evaluate my life and take notice to the areas of my life where I have struggled. I now recognized how those struggles were passed down from generation to generation with nobody successfully breaking free.

I’ve now watched the series numerous times, and something new jumps out at me every single time!

Earlier this summer, I also started working through the Betrayal & Beyond study created by Pure Desire Ministries. I cannot say that this has been emotionally easy for me, as I have really been digging deeply into my own past to further understand why I reacted in some of the ways that I did when I realized that my husband was battling an on-going pornography addiction. It has been during this time that God has also really began to work on me as a person.

I am realizing that many of my responses and reactions were triggered by something from my past or the outright fear that I wasn’t going to allow history to repeat itself. I am starting to understand how my view of sex was marred because of things that I had allowed myself to see while viewing porn—none of which is how God intended healthy intimacy to be.

At times, this has caused a significant amount of frustration and anxiety for me—but through the love and patience of both God and my husband, I am learning that this healing journey is beyond worth it!

My Past Doesn’t Define My Future

As I have worked through the lessons dealing with God’s grace and generational curses, I have been able to start looking at people through a whole different set of eyes. Realizing how my family’s past contributed to my present has enabled me to no longer walk around feeling as if I am a victim. I have been given a choice. I can either allow my past to dominate me or I can rise above my circumstances and step into the fullness and love of the Lord Almighty.

I had to take a look at family dysfunction, both in my own family and in my husband’s. In regards to my husband’s family, this has been a game changer for me!

I have always struggled to have a good relationship with my mother-in-law, and completing these assignments have opened the door for me to seek her forgiveness. I now realize that the opinions that we had of each other were based off of the facade that we each presented, and I am now seeking to know her and learn her story. I look forward to us finally getting to know each other for who we truly are!

Secrets

I was brought to my knees when I had to evaluate sins of my past. I’m committed to being honest on this journey, and I had to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to realize that I too have been less than perfect.

The hardest part of writing this blog and going through the Betrayal & Beyond study so far has been having to look into my husband’s eyes and tell him that I allowed myself to be pursued by my ex years ago in our marriage. I had been keeping that secret for more than eleven years! It was in that moment though that I experienced God’s grace beyond limit.

My husband did not yell at me, condemn me, or make me feel ashamed.

Instead he asked me if it was going to impact our today or our tomorrow.

My response was “I don’t think so.” He then put his arms around me and thanked me for being honest. He told me that he couldn’t hold it against me because of the many wrongs that he had done in our relationship.

I can’t describe how I felt in that moment. I was finally free! The secrets that I had been carrying were now out in the open. I never felt closer to my husband as I did in that moment. Every wall had been torn down in our lives.

There are officially no secrets, no barriers, and no lies between us.

In The Arms Of Christ

It is so freeing to step into the arms of Christ, and to allow him to remold me into who He has intended for me to be all along. I’m enjoying resting in the knowledge that I no longer have to identify with my old self, but I can be empowered by all that the Lord has done in my life and I can walk in confidence knowing that I am a brand new creation in Christ.

Around every corner, the enemy was prowling. His plan was to devour me as an individual while bringing destruction to my marriage. He tried, and almost succeeded for many years but today I stand hand in hand with my husband as we experience a love for one another like never before. Today we speak openly about our struggles, without fear of condemnation, knowing that if our story can touch even just one life then it is all worth it!

New Hope

I am so humbled and honored to be on staff at KingdomWorks Studios. Not only have I been finding freedom and healing, but I have thoroughly enjoyed hearing the countless stories of others who are desperately searching for and finding that very same freedom through the Conquer Series.

Since joining the team in 2017, I have frequently received questions from women who wonder if healing is possible for them. Yes, dear sister, healing is possible for you!

If you’re struggling with a porn addiction, watch the Conquer Series–even if it was written and produced for men. If you’re the betrayed wife searching for hope, watch the Conquer Series, sign up to be notified of updates regarding the series that our team is making for wives.

There’s one more thing that I have to ask of you—

Would you take a moment to complete a short, anonymous survey that will help us to see areas where we can help women like you and me find hope, healing, and freedom in the future?

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