A Letter To My Porn-Watching Husband

Dear Husband,

I discovered your porn, again. To say my heart is crushed would be an understatement. Instead, I feel like someone pulled my heart out of my chest, stomped on it, and left it to die. And I know that I’ve tried to express this to you before. The situation always becomes volatile, so this time I’m silently leaving you this letter.

I can’t compete with the women on your screen. I stare at myself in the mirror every night, and realize that my body can never measure up. I’ve changed. Time has taken a toll on me, as has the physical burdens of bearing our children. I don’t regret our kids. In fact, I believe they are the most beautiful aspect of our life.

I want them to be carefree, enjoying their youth as long as possible. From morning to evening, I devote myself to them. Some days are easier than others, and I know that many nights I collapse into a heap of exhaustion when the last one is put to sleep. I wish you knew that this doesn’t mean that I no longer love you. No, I always enjoy looking around at the world that you and I have created.

But now the picture of our once seemingly perfect life is shattered on the floor. Shards of glass are everywhere! Every crevice now includes brokenness, and I cannot escape it regardless of where I turn.

How could you do this to me? To us?

I once felt beautiful, vibrant, and alive. As you’d stare at me across the table while eating dinner, or look at me in the morning as we awoke, I knew that I captivated you. And I felt like the luckiest woman in the world to be seen with you.

But now, I feel gross in my own skin. And some days, I feel like no longer trying. Do you even notice me anymore, or do you gaze upon me and think of the women on the screen? When I’m intimate with you, are you thinking of me? Or are you using my body to satisfy the desires within your mind?

And what about our kids? Our daughter has already walked in on you looking at porn. It shocked her so severely that she ran to me. You were oblivious to her even being in the room. Seeing her visibly shaken, I struggled with the words to say to her.

Related Article: To My Porn-Watching Dad, From Your Daughter

You’ve always been her hero. She looked to you to affirm her identity. But now she’s so confused. The women on the screen, how they looked, how they acted, it goes against everything you’ve taught her. We’ve always told her to value herself, but now she sees the attention that others gain by the use of their body.

Again, I just don’t know what to say. She loves you, and I don’t want her to be disgusted by you. I don’t want your relationship severed because of your secret. But I realize that I cannot answer for the choices that you’ve been making. Honestly, I don’t understand them myself.

I do pray that she’ll heal. I don’t want her to begin to second-guess herself. And I really hope that an internal fear doesn’t develop that will cause her to place an invisible wall around herself. I still pray that one day God will bless her with a good man. I just hope that she won’t struggle to trust him, believing that even the best men can’t find satisfaction in their wives. That won’t be fair to her, and definitely not to him.

One day, when she finds this man, they’ll need to build a solid foundation that will weather any storm. I know that a lack of trust begins to deteriorate the foundation, and I don’t want to see that happen merely because of what she’s seen her dad do.

Though I feel defeated, part of me wants to fight. I want to fight for you! I want to fight for our marriage and our family. I’ve loved you all of these years, and I believed in you. I hung on every word you said, every promise you made. I trusted you. So please understand when I seem disconnected now.

It’s not that I want to be. But our life is not what it once was. And honestly, I have doubts that things will ever go back to the way they were between us before. And I hate that thought!

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Some people say that I need to accept it. They say that it’s just what men do, and even tell me that I shouldn’t have a problem with it. Some suggest moving on like nothing ever happened. Come to think of it, that’s kind of the response you give me every time.

Others tell me to leave, insisting that I’ll never change. Don’t get me wrong, part of me wants to do just that. But the other part of me? Well, quietly I think to myself, “They don’t know him like I do.”

You see, I do believe in you. Think of all of the obstacles that you’ve faced in life. Every mountain that you’ve had to climb. I’ve seen you conquer the toughest challenges. I’ve experienced being so proud of you that I thought my heart could burst.

But then I ask myself, “Why can’t he get free from this?”

I guess it comes down to this. I’m waiting for you to believe in yourself.

I’ve been praying for you. I’ve been praying for us. Every day, I ask God to take away my pain. But I’m realizing that I need to face the fire on this one. I have to begin healing for me, and trust that God will lead you on a path to healing as well.

Please try to understand. I’m not trying to withhold my love and affection from you. I know that you want intimacy to return, even as you’ve said that the lack of sex is to blame for your porn usage. But I’m just not ready. Trust between us has been destroyed, and anxiety takes over when I try to have intimacy with you without trust.

Related Article: Why Your Porn Problem Is Not Your Wife’s Fault

I long to be your standard of beauty again. And I want to be able to communicate with you – I want you to let me in. You don’t have to hide from me, as I vowed: “for better or worse”. But I can’t keep fighting this fight on my own. And I cannot keep hanging on to the hope that things will get better, if you’re not willing to prove to me that it can.

Right now, for myself, for our kids, and even for you, I’m focusing on myself. I’m committed to sorting through my pain. And I’m expecting that God will reveal past hurts in myself that will help me understand why this betrayal hurts so bad. I know that it won’t be easy. My heart’s desire is to rebuild our broken marriage. So with that goal in mind, it seems worth it to me.

Could this be the time that you choose to fight too?

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I’m not asking you to fight for me. I’ve been begging for that for so long! I’m asking you to fight for you. Don’t believe the lie that you’re too far gone. You’re not. Even after Adam sinned, God was still found calling for him in the Garden.

I’m not trying to be pushy. If you’re ready to get help, I think I found something worth checking into.

It’s called the Conquer Series. From what I’ve read, it’s both biblically and scientifically based. It’s supposed to help you understand why the efforts of trying harder does not work. But it’s supposed to go deeper than that – helping to identify the root cause of the struggle. It looks like we can search for a group, where you can meet other men who are trying to win this battle too.

I’m willing to do my best to support you, but I have to see you trying this time. You cannot white-knuckle it yourself any longer.

I hope you’ll consider all that I’ve written.

Love,

Your Wife

Healing Is Possible

Though written recently, this letter mirrors everything that I thought and felt as my husband struggled with pornography. Yes, my daughter did discover his porn usage. And yes, sadly, a few years afterward we started to see the fruit of that exposure take root in her life. But thankfully, our story ended well.

My husband decided to seek healing, willing to surrender every ounce of pain and torment that he had hidden within. It wasn’t easy, but if you could talk to him today, he would agree that it was well worth it.

Related Article: How Wives Are Helping Their Husbands Quit Porn

In the midst of a struggle, it’s hard to see that anyone else is experiencing pain as a result of your choices. And that denial can keep you in bondage for a lifetime, if you allow it to.

My husband and I both had to seek healing. We both had to surrender our past pain, and allow ourselves to become vulnerable with God and with each other. My husband and I had to learn that blame-shifting was only further deteriorating our relationship. We both had to become responsible for our actions, reactions, and responses.

Today, we are years into the healing journey. We’ve experienced massive amounts of restoration, and trust has been rebuilt. And while God is still working in and through us, our marriage is better than it ever has been.

Related Article: The Benefits Of Full Disclosure & How It Can Help Heal Your Marriage

Are you ready to take the first step towards individual healing and marriage restoration? Check out the resources available at SoulRefiner.com.