Preventing Marriage Meltdowns

Did you know in the legal world, January is frequently referred to as “divorce month?” Yikes! Why is that? It’s speculated that due to the stress factors of the holidays, couples are ready to call it quits by the new year. Divorce rates begin to climb in January and peak in March. There could be many factors, but no doubt the days between Thanksgiving and Christmas have the potential to make the sparks fly.

Let’s dive into the top three reasons why couples duke it out over the holidays.

1. MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

Money is the number one thing most couples argue over during the Holidays. If there is a time during the year when money could become a hot topic, it’s during the holidays. There are gifts to buy, parties to throw, and decorations to put up. Whether you are rolling in the dough or living paycheck to paycheck, your spending habits could wreak havoc on your marriage.

Tips to avoid a meltdown:

Communicate & Plan Discuss and agree ahead of time on a budget. Include how much to allocate for dinners, parties, décor, etc. Most importantly, create a budget for gift giving. Decide together who is getting a gift and how much to spend.

Reality Check:

• Not communicating and agreeing on a budget is selfish and a recipe for relationship disaster. Hiding your purchases from your spouse is lying and being unfaithful to your commitment of truth to one another.
• Keep your spending in check. Tithing and financial responsibility should outweigh overspending on frivolous material things. Giving gifts to others is an act of kindness; there’s nothing wrong with it if done responsibly. You shouldn’t be rolling into January with massive debt and being unable to pay your bills.

Related Article: The Silent Marriage Killer (VIDEO)

“No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.” – Luke 16:13

2. Neglect

It takes work being Papa Claus and Mama Claus during the holidays. Shopping, cooking, work parties, wrapping gifts, Christmas plays, volunteering, and all that good stuff that completely wears you out at the end of the day leaves little time for feeling energetic enough for anything else. Unintentionally neglecting your spouse is easy, as all your time and energy get lost in overcommitment and exhaustion.

Tips to avoid a meltdown: Make time. Easier said than done, right? If neglecting quality time together (and I mean conversations and sex) is a problem for you during the Holidays, then mark it on the calendar, and no matter what, make it happen. Take turns planning the schedule and helping one another clear the way for a little romp in the hay.

Reality Check:

• Adults communicate. Children throw temper tantrums. If you’re feeling neglected, talk about it honestly and respectfully. Throwing an adult temper tantrum is doing things like intentionally withholding affection, being a grump, shouting, making threats, or going silent for hours or days—Bah humbug. Don’t do that. Share. Communicate.
• Share responsibilities. Help your spouse in the kitchen with cooking and cleaning, share the shopping list, wrap gifts together, etc. Make a plan that you both carry the weight, and it’s not all resting on one person’s shoulders. Gents, it’s hard to get your lady in the mood after she’s cooked the turkey, cleaned up mounds of glitter, bought the gifts, wrapped the gifts, broken up fights with the kids, and had to listen all night to passive-aggressive comments about her overcooked stuffing from her sweet in-laws. Help her. Let her know how much she’s appreciated. Rub her aching feet. Draw her a hot bubble bath.

Acts of kindness and sharing responsibilities will meet both of your needs.

Related Article: Husbands, Here's How To Love Your Wife Well

3. Family Drama

Speaking of passive-aggressive in-laws and the drama they bring, family drama can deliver quite the blow to a relationship, especially if it’s already on shaky ground.

Three people matter in your relationship - you, your spouse, and God. That’s it. Not even the kiddos take top priority, especially your Aunt Myrtle, who thinks your house smells like the cat and the turkey was overcooked yet another Christmas. An over-opinionated family member, as precious as they are, can wear a relationship out. Family drama shouldn’t bring division to your marriage. Ever.

Tips to avoid a meltdown:

• Remember, you’re on the same team. Make it a relationship law that you never criticize each other openly or privately to other family members.
• Keep your relationship business to yourself. Agree that if you disagree, you’ll share it privately after everyone has gone home.
• If there is family tension, decide how you will approach spending time with that family member ahead of time.
• Boundaries are healthy and necessary when a dysfunctional family member is in the mix. Agree early on what those boundaries are, bearing in mind that your number one priority is protecting your spouse. So, that means doing something that may feel uncomfortable for you so they will feel comfortable. For example, your marriage survived infidelity, and you’re still in the early stages of healing. Uncle Jim, who will be attending the big family shindig on Christmas Eve, has been vocal about his disapproval of the reconciled relationship. Uncle Jim tends to get a bit more vocal after a few eggnogs. Possible considerations to keep in mind are not serving anything alcohol at your gathering, asking Uncle Jim ahead of time to lay aside any disagreements he may have to make the event more enjoyable for everyone, or simply not inviting Uncle Jim.

Whatever the solution, it will always involve putting your spouse first.

The Shining Star

The Holidays can be an excellent time to build intimacy between you and your spouse. You have to be intentional in making it happen. If you’re putting each other’s needs first, you risk falling into the pit of bickering and fighting in no time—plan and talk about what you can do to avoid the risks. Turn what can be a stressful time into a time when you are intentionally finding ways to celebrate your love for one another.

Related Article: Restoring Intimacy To Your Relationship

Turn off the lights after everyone has gone to bed, sit by the Christmas tree with a cup of whatever, and take a few moments to breathe. Go for a walk in the neighborhood alone and look at the lights. If your day is going to be super busy, wake up 30 minutes earlier and move nighttime hanky-panky to getting your groove on before the rooster crows. Do whatever you have to do to make it work!

We have fantastic tools in our Marriage Toolbox that can help. There is one, in particular, that is great for ensuring your relationship is Aunt Myrtle proof called 5 Steps to Avoiding Marriage Meltdowns. The Marriage First Aid Kit, also in the Marriage Toolbox, will help you learn how to preempt a blowup and tend to the wounds if one occurs.

These and 12 other excellent books, games, and journals in the Marriage Toolkit are available for ½ price (normal retail price is $250)! This makes for a perfect gift, too.

Remember, God first, then your spouse. Keep things simple, don’t overcomplicate, help one another, tend to each other’s needs, and protect each other with fierce love, as God has loved you.