No More Secrets Or Shame: Restore Intimacy In Your Marriage

I’m not a counselor, but in my life experience I have heard countless arguments justifying porn use.

Frequently men will push the blame onto their spouse in marriage claiming that they have to look at it and masturbate in secret because their sexual needs are not being met. Many wives then argue that they will not be intimate with their husband because they are hurt by his actions.

These types of arguments are happening frequently among couples, even Christian couples. Marriages are being destroyed at the core. Nothing is sacred anymore, neither spouse feels cherished. It’s a mess!

To make the problem even worse, some counselors are telling wives that they do in fact need to have sex more frequently with their husband if they want him to find freedom from his sexual addiction.

Because we know that sexual addiction is more about numbing or medicating the pain one is feeling in their lives, and not actually about sex, we know that this active response may temporarily put a band aid on the problem but it will not cure it.

Secrets

God’s design for sex was for it to be held sacred within the covenant of marriage. It was intended to be enjoyed between one man and one woman. It was not intended as a chore, or an obligation, but as a gift—a private place, an enjoyable moment shared only between a man and his beautiful bride.

Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.(Genesis 2:25 NIV)

In the initial design of mankind, we were not intended to be ashamed of our bodies. And I’m not even convinced that in today’s world, we’re all that ashamed of our bodies but we are more ashamed of the sins in our lives. We don’t feel comfortable being fully exposed, as it leaves us vulnerable. It leaves us in a place where our sins or the sins done against us can be manifested into the light.

Sin

For the spouse addicted to porn: Your partner may not know about it right now, but when you’re having a difficult time finding satisfaction between the sheets, they may suspect that something is up. Even though you may be joining in the flesh, you are not becoming emotionally or intimately involved with your spouse if you are fantasizing in your mind about someone else.

Your wife needs to be your standard of beauty. When she looks in the mirror, she is going to see herself through your eyes. If she feels priceless and beautiful, she will carry herself in such a way. If she feels degraded, not enough for you, or you are constantly picking out her flaws, all that she will see is her flaws.

Even if you are telling her with your mouth that she is beautiful, but you are then seeking out porn or lustfully looking at other women as you drive down the street, you are telling your wife that she is not enough for you. When a woman lacks confidence, she will also lack desire.

Dr. Doug Weiss is a Psychologist who is featured in a powerful small group course called the Conquer Series that helps men struggling with porn. In the Conquer Series, Dr. Weiss explains,

“Protection has a fragrance and when a woman smells that fragrance, her hearts feels so safe. And when she can’t smell it, she feels innately insecure. See what a man loves is what he protects.”

Scars

For the partner who was abused in your past: If you’ve built a wall around yourself or “check out” during intimacy, your spouse may feel as if you’re not interested in them. You may love your spouse with all of your heart, but you have learned to compartmentalize or disassociate because of your past.

Both of these things can cause a lot of negative sexual tension between a man and his wife. Both of these are sin, just in two very different forms. One is sin that is being committed and the other is sin that was committed unto you. Full intimacy cannot be achieved when there is a wall clouded with guilt and shame directly in the middle of your relationship.

Skeletons In The Closet

I am convinced that when we allow it to, our past will dominate and destroy us.

Several months ago, while having a phone conversation with Nancy Houston–Certified Sex Therapist and author of Love & Sex: A Christian Guide to Healthy Intimacy–she mentioned something that I don’t think I will ever forget. We were talking about her initial conversations with individuals who are struggling with sexual addiction.

One of the first things she tells people is,

“Sexual addiction doesn’t mean you are bad. Maybe it didn’t start as your moral problem, but instead started with someone else’s moral problem.”

What exactly does that mean?

Maybe you were exposed to porn at an early age. Maybe you were the victim of abuse at the hands of someone else who had a problem with sexual addiction. When you were younger maybe your dad checked out of your life. Or maybe your mom was living in the same house as you, but was emotionally unavailable to you because of her own weaknesses and issues.

Sex Addiction & Abuse

Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., has found some startling statistics regarding sexual addicts in regards to their traumatizing pasts:

72% were physically abused
81% have been sexually abused
97% of sex addicts have been emotionally abused

Time after time, we allow these negative things of our past dictate who we are today. They have become so much a part of us, that it can be hard to see ourselves in any light except the one that shows these little suitcases dragging behind us.

Whether we welcomed them or not, we have accepted that our identity is found as a result of our lives instead of comprehending that our identity is actually found in Christ.

Women

If you married a good man, he’s not going to hurt you like your abuser hurt you. It’s okay to let him know of the things that you may have endured. It’s okay to speak up. Let him know that when he does something, it triggers you and sends you spinning out of control into a dark and lonely corner. It’s also okay to let him know of the things that you have done wrong in the past. Maybe you’ve had multiple sexual relationships before you met him, abortions, or your own struggle with addiction.

Related Article: Women Struggle With Porn Too

I heard the story of a wife who found the courage to tell her husband of the sexual choices that she had made in the past. She knew it would hurt him, but was a bit startled when he walked out and slammed the door. She was convinced that he would never return, but he did. When he came back, without saying a word, he put a white dress on her.

She didn’t understand what was going on until he told her that he had thought about it and he was choosing to see her and love her like Jesus loves her and sees her. He declared that he would not hold her past against her. Instead, he would know that she has been purified because of her relationship with Christ. Talk about teaching us all a lesson on forgiveness!

Related Article: 4 Steps To Practicing Forgiveness

Men

It’s okay to let your wife in. Confess to her if you have been abused. It’s okay for her to know that there are areas of your life where you are weak. When you believe that you have to be strong all of the time, you’re believing that solely because that is what the world tells you.

Your wife, when given the opportunity, can not only become your best friend but can also become your biggest advocate in the battles that you are fighting.

Related Article: 6 Lies Men Believe When They Struggle With Porn

Restoration

The sanctity of marriage needs to be restored. Your marriage is worth having the tough conversations today about the elephant that has taken up residency between you and your spouse. Listen intently to what the other person is saying. Vow to love them with the love of Christ instead of with selfish ambition.

Men, if you want your wives to really believe that you are serious about choosing her, join a Conquer Group. Watch the Series. Complete the Study Guide and Journal exercises. Then embrace the chance to allow healing, forgiveness, and redemption to take place.

Wives, allow yourselves time to heal, but in doing so vow that nothing will stand in between you and your husband. If you see him earnestly trying, continue to pray for him and let God do what only He can do.

You are only one conversation and one choice away from a totally different life!