How To Avoid Three Intimacy Killers

Is your relationship as stale as a potato chip lodged in the sofa cushion? Are conversations as dull as a football pundit analysis? Is bedroom time as boring as being stuck on hold? There could be many reasons why; let me share a few and give you some tips on how to unclog the pipe and spice things up.

Let's start with this gut punch: marriage isn't about YOUR happiness. Hold up. What about all the happily ever after fairytales? That's just not reality, my friend. You won't be happily married until you understand God's plan for marriage.

How often have you heard stories of people getting divorced because they "weren't happy in the marriage anymore." We need to flush that notion pronto that you should dump a marriage because you "fell out of love." As a believer accountable to God's Word, that doesn't hold up.

Marriage takes work, and you won't always feel happy about it. If your happiness was what you had in mind when you got married, you will be sorely disappointed.

Marriage was ordained between man and woman from the beginning of creation with Adam and Eve. This holy union between man and woman was designed to glorify God through children, faithfulness, intimacy, and sacrifice. The institution of marriage points us to Christ's return to claim his bride. Earthly marriage is a visual reflection of the gospel. Marriage is a call to sacrifice and service.

You can failproof your marriage when both spouses are sold out to serve one another humbly. When two people serve, there's little room for ego, selfish ambitions, and pride.

If you've had the mindset that marriage was about your happiness, there may have been some selfish behaviors that have crept into your relationship that has made things stale. Somewhere along the way, poor habits, laziness, priorities out of order, and the busyness of life took up residency in your relationship.

First, ask the Lord to show you areas in your relationship you've neglected. If you've had a more self-centered vision, expecting more than serving, start there. When a couple commits to serve with no expectations, both will have their needs met, and the relationship will grow.

Here are other suggestions for moving from the mundane to the extraordinary.

DATE NIGHTS

Are you planning and executing date nights? If you don't have a weekly date night, you should. But if that's challenging, spend a quality date night together once a month. The more date nights, the better. It doesn't have to be a grand event or break the bank. Guys, your lady needs this. Romance her before the bedroom - it will go a long way.

Here are a few date night planning tips to ensure success:

• Take turns planning dates.
• Get creative. Dinner and a movie are nice, but switch it up and do something out of the ordinary.
• Agree on a budget for dates so you can save, and it never becomes a burden.
• Find reliable babysitters to have on call.
• Suck it up and take turns doing things your spouse enjoys, even if that means enduring the awful experience of putt-putt golf. Gah.

The Payoff

Never stop dating your spouse! Dedicated date nights have a proven record of

• Strengthening relationship
• Releasing the feel-good brain hormones like dopamine and serotonin.
• Deepens connection
• More sex

Need some help planning date nights? We got ya covered. For pre-planned date night ideas, budgeting, tips, and hacks check out our new book, 52 Daringly Delightful Date Nights.

THE ROUTINE RUT

Responsibilities, work, kids, volunteering…it all adds up and can create a rigid routine. Routine is good, but not when it forsakes tending to the needs of your relationship. This can be especially problematic for people who feel like their very soul is being sucked from their body when they are constantly doing the same thing over and over again, day in and day out.
You may need to do something as simple as recalibrating your routine not to kill intimacy in your marriage.

Here are a few tips for recalibrating:

• Start with a conversation and talk honestly about what you’re feeling and what about your daily routine is weighing you down.
• Create a list of daily responsibilities and decide who does what. Delegate the things the children can help with. Consider hiring help (if possible) or making adjustments to open up more time you can spend together.

For example, the calendar is full. Saturdays are for yard work. The neighbor teen will mow the lawn for $25. You can’t afford it every Saturday, but once a month is doable, and it opens up the schedule for you to do more with your spouse. Get creative with your responsibilities.

• Decide to do one thing out of the ordinary each week. Get your groove on in a different room in the house, watch a movie outside under the stars, take a walk in the park, try new food, etc. Challenge yourselves to do something different.

The DARE cards in our Marriage Toolkit can be a helpful tool for breaking up the monotony. The cards are doable challenges that are fun and memorable.

LIGHT UP THE LOVIN’

Physical affection is non-negotiable in a healthy marriage. If your flame has fizzled and there is a severe lack of intimacy, you need to get to the root. The cause may be intimacy anorexia or something as simple as being overworked and exhausted.

Whatever the reason may be, you need to make an intentional effort to prioritize physical affection in your relationship. That goes beyond sex, especially if your expression of love is physical affection. Touching, hugging, holding hands, etc., are all physical intimacy that doesn’t mean sex but can undoubtedly help ignite it.

Knowing your spouse’s dominant expression of love and how to fill it is essential. You can serve one another by keeping their love tank full.

“Christ gave with no strings attached. How often in marriage do we give, but expect something in return? If I were to change and make it a grace-based model..that would really change who I am at the core. That would be a chance to model goodness and love rather than me trying to get something to help me feel better about myself.” ~ Dr. Corey Allan

Many factors cause a marriage to lose that loving feeling; these are just some. When you get down to the nitty-gritty, it's usually a lack of serving each other or just making an effort. It's not always intentional; sometimes, your spouse may not realize that there is an area of neglect. That's why you must speak openly about your feelings and then humbly commit to finding ways to serve one another better.

When a marriage sacrifices and serves, everything about your life will reap the benefits, including your children.