Have Yourself a Dysfunctional Little Christmas

Hi there,

Well, I rolled into October with unbridled confidence that "Operation: Make Christmas Great Again" for my kiddos would go down in history as the most epic Christmas…ever. Unapologetically, the Christmas decor was pulled from my garage a week before Thanksgiving. Like a Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy on crack, I pirouetted through the house, stuffing pine cones and jingle bells in every nook and cranny. I was well on my way with a bajillion saved Insta stories of every Martha Stewart wannabe demonstrating how to turn ordinary dollar-store junk into a winter wonderland. I made list after list of every cookie and treat I would make.

I'm embarrassed to say how many totes I have stacked in my room with unfinished Christmas craft projects. I even went as far as to plan twenty-five spectacular days of fun-filled, memorable, sentimental activities with my children leading up to Christmas day. I gleefully accept the challenge of lighting up my home bright enough that it keeps the North Pole Elves awake at night. And I do it by myself because two things aren't going to hang themselves - Christmas lights and Epstein. Little Cindy Lou Who thinks she's cornered the market on Christmas cheer. Sit down, Cindy. You have no idea. My veins bleed peppermint-striped blood this time of year.

Well, here we are a whole week into December, and Operation: "Make Christmas Great Again" is WAY off course, and the anxiety of its failure is almost as epic as the anticipation of how great it would be. Who's crazy enough to toss and turn at night, fretting that I have yet to open that 50-pound bag of play sand sitting at the foot of my bed so my littles can dump it in a sock and turn it into a snowman? Me. That crazy person is me. And, let's face it - most of the sand will get all over the floor, causing the OCD to kick into hyperdrive to the point I'm sweating bullets larger than Christmas balls because their happy little mess is wrecking my perfectly decked halls of Christmas cheer. Still, I'm holding it all in because I want them to remember Christmas as the year's happiest time.

Here, let me save myself a therapy bill and prevent you from judging me too harshly - I'm certifiably insane. I know. I also know I'm not alone, so there.

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Men, if you're inclined to have stayed with me so far, don't stop now. I'll keep embarrassing myself, and you'll have a good laugh. The truth is, most men don't understand why this time of year turns a lot of women into lunatics. But, there is a good chance that many of the ladies reading this get me and the crazyville that lives in my head. If you don't, hold on. I'll take you to Crazyville and let you look around to understand why we often do what we do, especially at this time of year. At least, this is my story - but maybe you can relate too.

If you're familiar with Soul Refiner content, you've likely heard it said that your childhood or soul wounds will resurface later in life if you never dealt with them. We are often emotionally reactive to situations that have nothing to do with what's currently happening and everything to do with something that happened to us as a child. I'm super excited about a new marriage series that will be released in early 2024 that digs deep into this. If you haven't seen the snippet of "The Quiche Affair" recently aired on Daystar - go check it out here, but not until you've finished reading my blog.

So, it's not uncommon for us to respond to a situation that we think is causing us distress, but really, we're just being triggered by a deeper wound from our childhood.

Well… that's Christmas for me. Christmas has always been a big fat trigger, and I didn't realize why until a few years ago.

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My childhood was full of anxiety, stress, and trauma. Can I get a hoorah for dysfunction? Christmas was the only time of the year when things seemed to mellow out. It may not have been all gumdrops and candy canes the entire month of December, but the fighting seemed to take a leave of absence to make room for Christmas cheer. The constant turmoil settled like the arthritis in Aunt Myrtle's knees in those wintery months. At least …I could breathe.

I looked forward all year to the one month that life felt "normal," even if it was just for a moment. It was a happy time with family and keeping up with traditions. Despite worrying about whether or not we could keep the heat on or have food on the table, my mother always ensured that Christmas was a happy time for my brother and me. It wasn't extravagant by any means, but everything wonderful about my childhood seemed to happen around Christmas. I grew up in Maryland with blizzards that kept us snowed in for days. The winter wonderland only helped solidify that this magical time of year would be a time when there was peace on earth…at least in my topsy-turvy home.

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I escaped to another world in December. The only problem was, although I played Judy Garland on repeat singing "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," no matter how many times I heard, "Next year, all our troubles will be miles away," I knew that wasn't the case. Peace on earth would end as soon as the Christmas tree came down. So, my brother and I had to absorb every ounce of Christmas goodness to last the whole year until December rolled around again.

That's a meager piece of the big story, but you get the jist. To some, it may seem emotionally extravagant. Still, as a child under a lot of stress and anxiety, this was the imprint that was made in my very impressionable mind. Christmas equated to peace, safety, contentment….rest. I never really knew how much of an impact it made on me and that, as an adult, I would be reactive to those deeply buried impressions.

Fast forward, add some fine lines and wrinkles, gray hairs (I think…I keep them covered pretty well), kids of my own, and enough drama and trauma to sink the Titanic - here we are in the year 2023, and your girl still gets holly and jolly when the season rolls around. I'm old-school Christmas, too. The white lights and monochrome decor are lovely in Instagram photos - no judgment here if you bleach out your Christmas. But I'm old school off to granny's house, nostalgic red and green, vintage, grab the knitted blanket, hot chocolate, handmade orange slice garland, black and white movie watching, colored Christmas lights on the house, my great grandmothers Christmas ornaments, is the kind of Christmas that goes down in my house.

So, how is it that it wasn't until my 40s that I discovered this association between my childhood and Christmas? Well, traumatic experiences tend to float those things to the surface. Starting with a series of very traumatic events while serving on the mission field to betrayal trauma, divorce, and a myriad of other traumatic events - I realized that some of this lunacy of wanting to make everything perfect at Christmas was a deeply embedded response to childhood wounds.

It wasn't a matter of holding onto bitterness and unforgiveness - I've forgiven those who have betrayed and hurt me, even as a child. That's not the case. However, my work here at Soul Refiner taught me much about these reactive behaviors from experiences that have embedded themselves deep into our souls from childhood. Operation Christmas must be epic, overplanned, and unimaginably magical as my way of ensuring that I get that old dopamine high I experienced as a child and (gulp) my kids get to experience it, too.

See, all of my children are adopted. Their entrance into this world was riddled with so much pain - it's been my mission as their mama to help them heal from that pain. I never dreamed that our family would fall apart as a result of infidelity. Although it wasn't my fault, a ton of guilt was heaped on my shoulders that my children no longer have an intact family when I know that is all they ever wanted. I'd do anything for my children - they are the most amazing people in the world. I certainly don't want to cause them any more pain. Making Christmas unforgettable for them was a fix, just like in my childhood.

Single-momin' hasn't been easy since the divorce a few years ago, but God has done such unbelievable work in my life and theirs. I have seen His Hand all over our lives. It's not been perfect, but the children are thriving, and I've learned so much about God's grace, forgiveness, and healing - it's been a beautiful journey for which I'm so thankful.

Well, October rolls around, and my natural inclination is to start thinking about my favorite times of the year - fall and winter. Nothing out of the ordinary. The ol' mind was feeling pretty stable, although I was gearing up for operation "Make Christmas Great Again." My tinseled-out mental state wasn't anything out of the ordinary until the events of late October and November hit.

It was one disastrous thing after another, like intense family drama, another whopper of a betrayal from someone very close to me, and a head-on car collision with the children and me that resulted in a totaled car. October and November's shenanigans threw me for one giant emotional loop. This was not the time for all this nonsense! My well-planned Christmas calendar and budget was getting all screwed up with these unexpected setbacks.

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These events rubbed old trauma wounds that I thought were healed. Eh. Guess not. Because my jolly meter went from "ho ho ho" to "lo lo lo" and "I'm about to throw throw throw a punch in someone's face." In my healing journey, I've come along enough to recognize and admit when I'm "off." I was off - really off. So, I had to pause, slow down my brain, and figure out what was REALLY getting at me. I've been in these upheavals before. I consider myself to be pretty resilient. Why, oh why, were these setbacks jumbling up my brain with anxiety, worry, and restlessness?

Yes, these upheavals directly touched those old wounds, but the main reason was that these disturbances impacted my children. All I wanted to do was protect them from any more pain, and Christmas was one more way (just like during my childhood) that I could give them a "dopamine high" because I knew it helped me as a child, too. I did it subconsciously - I didn't realize I was doing it. The embedded belief is that if I failed at fulfilling a happy over-the-top Christmas experience, I failed as a mother. Good mothers make Christmas happy even when everything else is not. Hmmmm, wonder where that came from?

See, that's what our wounds and engrained beliefs will do until God reveals and heals them. We will never reach the place of healing until we surrender it all at the cross and relinquish our rights to the Father to hold onto the pain. Then, He takes us on a journey of sanctification and renewing of the mind. You'd think I'd be a seasoned expert at this by now - ha! I'll be at this until the day I die.

I'm not the same little girl who looked forward to peace from the turmoil at Christmas because the Father has touched that part of my brokenness. I'm not the same woman who crumbled to pieces when her husband broke her heart because the Father has shown me that He is my husband, provider, and protector. I'm not the same woman because Christ's love has transformed me. However, I am the same child of God who will always need her Father's loving, gentle, and kind Hand to remind me to breathe, let go, and rest in Him. No matter the time of the year, I don't have to wait for Christmas. I can find perfect peace in Him alone. Every day is like Christmas with Jesus.

Whoever you are, whatever your story may be, however deep your pain is or fresh your wounds, there is hope. The only hope we have is in a loving God who sent His baby boy to this earth to save us from the brokenness of this wretched world. No amount of Christmas cheer could hold a candle to that kind of joy.

It's an honor to do the work I do at Soul Refiner. I get to wake up every day with a mission to help set the captives free. That's why we are here. If it were for a paycheck - we'd all be doing something different. Our team loves Jesus and loves people. We pray, seek God, and spend days, months, and years of our lives creating sound Bible-based content with scientifically proven brain healing strategies to help people like you and me heal from wounds so that we can have abundant lives, marriages, relationships, and raise children to have the same. We do it all for the Kingdom of God to shine a big light on Jesus. It's all about Him.

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We want to help you and your family too. While working here and producing this content, God has used it to transform my life. So, I know it works! It will work for you, too.

We have so much content, with more coming in 2024 for the entire family. If you are a lady waiting for new content to be released this coming year just for women, it's coming. Hang on. It's going to be mind-blowing! But you really shouldn't be waiting. There are transformative truths you need now. Seriously - don't let the titles geared towards men deter you. I found TREMENDOUS healing by plugging into the Conquer Series and Warpath. Our co-founder, Tiana, found healing from an orphan mindset through Warpath. I highly encourage women to go through the series, especially with another group of women. It's transformational. Do it! If you want to connect with other women, call or email us, and we'll help you.

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I bugged Jeremy to give me a special coupon code for anyone signing up for an annual premium subscription in December. I know there are more single mamas out there like me that would appreciate a little extra savings. Use the code "HALFOFFANNUAL" to get 50% OFF an entire year at SoulRefiner.com. You'll get access to everything, including the new content coming in 2024 for only $24.50/mo! The coupon is only good for December, so don't let it expire. Plus, I have an office bet going on that this email will get the most subscribers in December - soooooo - help a girl out here. Not that I win anything, but I'd like to show off a cheesy grin that I won the bet.

So, enjoy this Christmas season. Hey, I'm healed, but I'm still deckin' the halls, my friend. And if it's your thing too, then have at it and enjoy. Just remember to breathe and make it your mission to roll into the new year with a renewed mind. If we can help you, we'd love to walk with you on your journey. Life with Jesus is too good not to live it healed!

The Merriest Christmas to You and Your family,
Karissa Washburn
Senior Producer, Soul Refiner