God’s Not Done Here Yet

I sat there in the church in silent disbelief. It was Thursday night. I thought to myself, “You shouldn’t be here. You should be at home tucking your sons into bed.” Yet, here I was. All around me were strangers taking turns sharing their stories of sexual sin, betrayal, and heartache. I started practicing in my head what I would say:

“Hi. My name is Kristina, and I just found out my husband, Lamar, is a sex addict. I must be the biggest idiot in the world because he kept this from me for 18 years. Eight months ago, Lamar was with his affair partner. When her husband found out, he tried to kill my husband. Lamar managed to escape being shot at, but his affair partner and her best friend weren’t so lucky. They were both murdered. Yes. You probably recognize the story. It’s been all over the news.”

That didn’t even cover that just the night before, God disclosed to me that Lamar was still acting out and carrying on with other women. When I confronted him, he confessed to being unfaithful our entire marriage. It started with a secret pornography addiction that graduated to full-blown emotional and sexual affairs with women throughout our marriage.

At A Loss

I was still numb. I honestly didn’t know if we were going to stay married. Until this new disclosure, I felt convicted to stay and fight for our marriage. But after last night, when he finally took the lid off the box of lies he had been hiding from me for 18 years, I wasn’t so sure. He was completely broken, lost, and sick. I hardly recognized the man he had become. I was ready to go.

I honestly don’t remember what words came out of my mouth that night when it was my turn to speak. What I do remember was the group’s sweet and encouraging responses. They didn’t judge me. They didn’t judge Lamar. They didn’t try to fix my mess. They just provided a safe place for me to bare my soul.

After we shared our stories, we watched the Conquer Series. Tears poured down my face as I listened to Dr. Ted Robert’s words at the opening of episode one. They echoed in my brain and penetrated my broken heart. “God’s not done with you.”

It's Not Over

Could this be true? Was there hope for Lamar? I wanted to believe there was a chance for us. But it seemed such an impossibility for our marriage, for my husband...for me.

We were too far gone. Lamar had been unfaithful, and God hates adultery. Right? So I was supposed to leave him. Yet here I sat. I had agreed to come to this meeting as a last-ditch effort. Was there a part of me, buried deep below the raw and unbearable pain of the betrayal, still believing there was a chance?

A small, barely audible voice inside me said, “Yes! It’s not over. God’s not done here yet.” That voice was the same voice that had assured me this was just a season, and God would not leave me here. The voice told me in the middle of the night that God had something much bigger planned for my husband, but this testing, pain, and suffering had to happen first.

So I held onto those words like a lifeline fearing if I even loosened my grip a little, I would sink below the raging, stormy waters surrounding me.

Watching the rest of the episode was a blur. I remember feeling shocked hearing the statistics of men in the church who struggle with porn. I remember wanting to vomit when I heard about the Kinsey Reports. I remember this deep compassion taking root in my heart as other men confessed how their sexual sin almost destroyed their lives.

God gave each of them another chance. Did that mean He was giving my husband another chance, too? Could my husband come out of this as a conqueror through Christ?

The answer came before I even had a chance to ask him. Lamar turned to me as pale as a ghost and said,

“Kristina, you have every right to leave me. I betrayed you in the absolute worst of possible ways. However, I am committed to doing everything it takes to be set free. God’s not done with me yet.”

All Means All

That’s all I needed to hear. Lamar confirmed the decision God had already placed on my heart when I watched the Conquer Series. I would stay. I would see if he was committed to recovery and if change was possible. But I already knew God was moving, and I didn’t want to miss a chance at seeing what He could do.

What do you think when you hear, “God is not done with you”? Do you believe He has much more waiting for you on the other side of this pain?

I do because I have witnessed it in our marriage and the marriages of hundreds of couples we have walked beside. You may not hold much hope right now, but that’s alright. We, Soul Refiner, will hold onto the hope for you until you are ready to open your hands and accept it yourself.

Your story is just unfolding. Let me assure you that all the pain you are experiencing is not without purpose. God is in the business of recycling ALL pain to bring himself glory. If you don’t believe me, read Romans 8:28.

“And we know that for those who love God, ALL things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”

Does ALL mean your husband’s sexual sin? Yes.

Does ALL mean his infidelity? Yes

Does ALL mean your broken heart? Yes

Until your story brings Him glory, He’s not done with you yet, sister.

Safe Spaces

I urge you to find your safe community- your sanctuary if you were betrayed. Find a place to connect with other women who share your wounds. A circle of sisters can provide you with the strength, encouragement, and motivation to keep going one day at a time.

I invite you to join me if you want a healthy community. I will take a small group of six women through the Conquer Series for ten weeks. Together we will learn what sexual sin does to a man’s brain and what is needed for recovery. It will help you understand his battle as well as the impact it has on you.

This opportunity will jump-start you into your personal recovery journey to heal from betrayal trauma.

Register Now

If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to reach out and contact me at: kristina.d@soulrefiner.com.

I also encourage you to watch our Sanctuary videos that are posted on our Facebook here: or join us for our live monthly events on the second Friday of every month.