8 Ways To Conquer Resentment After Betrayal

Research confirms why God instructed us to conquer resentment. The Creator wired our brains for optimal performance. Like poison, resentment will deteriorate our brains, causing devastating consequences to our minds and bodies.

Holding onto resentment causes neurotransmitters in our brain to work against us. It floods us with stress hormones that are the cause of physical disease and depletes us of happy hormones that regulate our mood and ability to deal with stress. Resentment is a torment: mind, body, and soul.

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

Here are 8 methods for conquering resentment:

1. Get Real and Admit It

The first step in healing from anything is to admit there’s a problem. Start with examining your heart and recognizing your feelings of resentment. Don't get stuck on justifying it. Sure, you may have a million reasons for “feeling” resentment towards your offender. However, the question is, do you want to hold on to resentment for the rest of your life and reap its destructive aftermath, bringing even more torment to your life?

Resentment hurts you, not them.

Related Article: Thanksgiving: Being Grateful & Dealing With Resentment

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

2. Acknowledge and Fix Distorted Thinking

You're not responsible for the betrayal. That sin is on their shoulders, not yours. However, in the aftermath of betrayal, we often create narratives, stories we tell ourselves or make based on half-truths and our woundedness. This is especially difficult when we are working through reconciliation and choosing to stay in the relationship.

If there is any hope for healing and strengthening the relationship, you have to stay grounded in what is true. Sometimes, that is hard to do when lies and deception have shattered your world. You must commit your thoughts to intentional examination, asking yourself as often as needed, "Is there truth to what I'm thinking, feeling, experiencing, etc.?" In other words, don't let your pain create stories (about your spouse, yourself, what happened, what's happening, etc.) that are not true.

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23

3. Acceptance

What's done is done. You can't turn back time. You can't make someone go back and do the right thing. No one wants this story, but the story is now yours. It's what you do with your story from here on that matters.

Related Article: Healing from Emotional Betrayal: How to Cope with Your Husband's Porn Addiction

You cannot control your unfaithful partners' healing, but you have the power to control yours. Stay focused on YOUR healing and what you must do to heal and move forward, whether they pursue theirs or not.

"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind stays on you, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

4. Don't Turn Resentment Into a Weapon

Don't mistake resentment for a tool to help keep your unfaithful partner in check. You may think that staying resentful induces suffering on the unfaithful spouse, keeping them on their toes and ever mindful of the pain they caused. Resentment doesn't harness that kind of power; whatever role it plays will only negatively affect you.

Real strength is found in healthy boundaries and a healthy mindset. Learn how to set boundaries and stay committed to your healing. You can learn more about setting boundaries in our Warpath series. Yes, I highly recommend that betrayed wives go through both Conquer and Warpath as well as their husbands.

Even though the series are geared towards those with sexual strongholds, the content is incredibly helpful to the wife so she can learn what’s happening in the brain, know what needs to be done to conquer the beast, and what it takes to heal from the trauma. It’s incredibly important for both the husband and wife to be on the same page. You can learn more at SoulRefiner.com

5. Refuse to Ruminate

If it's not already horrendous enough to live under the weight of a broken covenant, now you have to figure out how to stop the tormenting thoughts and images of what they did flooding your mind. Ruminating and continuously thinking about the same negative thoughts will fuel resentment and wreak havoc on your mental and physical well-being. You have to take control over those thoughts. It’s not easy, but possible.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." Philipians 4:8

6. Be Grateful

Did you know that an attitude of gratitude can heal and destroy feelings of resentment?

Studies show that gratitude acts as a catalyst for serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine. These neurotransmitters help manage our emotions, stress responses, and anxiety. Gratitude changes neural structures and rewires the brain to have more stability and clarity through the stresses and traumatic events in our lives. Gratitude also helps regulate the sympathetic nervous system, igniting our anxiety responses. Practicing gratitude daily conditions the brain to turn off negative ruminating thoughts and focus on the positive.

Gratitude is a powerful weapon. It can illuminate and eliminate. It illuminates the goodness of God and eliminates the lies of the enemy. Make it a daily practice to find at least one thing you are grateful for. Keep a journal to remind yourself daily. It may be challenging in the beginning, but if your spouse has decided to conquer sexual strongholds and help heal you and the marriage, do your best to write down something you’ve observed in your healing journey that you are grateful for, admire, or gives you hope that your relationship will be restored to more than what it ever was.

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

7. Practice Forgiveness

“For you, O Lord, are good and forgiving, abounding in steadfast love to all who call upon you.” Psalm 86:5

We can look to Christ as the epicenter of forgiveness. Never has, nor will there ever be, a perfect and sinless man who experienced more betrayal than Jesus. It was a betrayal that sent Him to the cross. Yet, He forgave them as He forgives us of all our sins. He, who carried the weight of our sins and knows the depths of our sorrow, beckons us to forgive those who have wronged us. In that case, we can be confident that forgiving the worst offenses is possible because doing so is for our good.

Related Article: 4 Steps To Practicing Forgiveness

Science supports this truth through studies that show how unforgiveness will negatively change the function and structure of our brain. However, forgiveness heals and mends the brain. It develops resilience and emotional regulation, activates the feel-good transmitters that regulate our mood and prevent illness - lowers blood pressure, improves digestion, protects against depression, produces more rational and empathetic thinking, works as a natural painkiller, and has many other benefits.

Forgiveness isn’t always easy, and it often takes intentionality. How do we forgive this enormous weight of betrayal? Remember, it may take time, and you must be intentional. Forgiveness is a journey. Get a copy of Roots of Forgiveness to walk you through the challenging journey to complete freedom.

8. Help Someone Else

The best qualified to help a suffering soul from betrayal are the ones who have gone through it. It's hard to be fixed on resentment when your end goal is to use your pain to heal others.

The betrayal was not a consequence of anything you did or deserved. However, we know God will use our suffering for His glory and benefit.

He tells us in Romans 8:28,

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

That doesn't imply that He turns every bad situation into good. This verse means that whatever we endure, He will use it for good in and through us. If we allow Him, He will use it to refine us and to set others free. Ask God to use your pain for good.

In conclusion, holding onto resentment will only bring more pain to your life, both mentally and physically. It will keep you from your healing and cause a lifetime of damage. Our loving Father has provided practical tools to protect and heal you from resentment.

Related Article: When Trying Harder Isn’t Enough

Mountain climbers could reach the summit by being dropped down by a helicopter. They climb to build their endurance and see what they are made of to reap the reward of reaching the summit, knowing what obstacles they had to overcome, as with our healing journey. Allow God to move you through the challenges as He reaches into your heart to reveal, restore, and renew.

Reaching the summit will be even more glorious because it will have brought you closer to Him.